Some West Virginia humor... • A tornado ripped through West Virginia and did 20 million dollars worth of improvements. • Why did the West Virginia State Police have to take "911" off their cars? People kept stealing them, thinking they were Porsches. • How is a girl from West Virginia like the Unabomber? They both got fingered by their brother. • What do you get when you have 32 WV Women lined up in a row? A full set of teeth. • What did the West Virginian get on his SAT? Drool. • Why did OJ move to West Virginia? Someone told him the DNA was all the same there. • How are a tornado and a divorce in West Virginia similar? Someone is going to lose a trailer. • What do West Virginians do on Halloween? Pumpkin. • Why do ducks fly over West Virginia upside down? There's nothing worth crapping on. • What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia? In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor. • Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in West Virginia? Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin. • Why do Marshall grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? So they can park in handicap spaces. • What do you call a good looking girl on the Marshall University campus? A visitor. • Why did Forrest Gump choose 'Bama over West Virginia? He wanted an academic challenge. • There was a power outage at the Marshall University library. Thirty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours. • A fire in University of West Virginia's football dorm that destroyed 20 books. Sadly, 15 hadn't been colored yet. • How many Marshall University freshman does it take to change a light bulb? None, it's a sophomore course. • How do you make University of West Virginia cookies? Put ingredients in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours. • If you have a car containing a Mountaineers wide receiver, a Mountaineers linebacker, and a Mountaineers defensive back, who is driving the car? The cop. • What is the definition of safe sex down in West Virginia? Placing signs on the animals that kick. • How do you castrate a West Virginia Mountaineers fan? Kick his sister in the mouth • Why do Marshall Thundering Herd students have TGIF on their shoes? Toes Go In First. • What do you get when you drive quickly through the Marshall Thundering Herd campus? An undergraduate degree. • The Mountaineer basketball coach is dressing six players for Saturday's game. The rest will dress themselves. • Why is "The Wave" banned in Joan C. Edwards Stadium? Two Thundering Herd fans drowned last year. • What happens when blondes move from Kentucky to West Virginia? Both states become smarter. • Why aren't Marshall cheerleaders allowed to do the splits? They stick to the ground. • Why do Marshall students have such beautiful noses? They're hand picked. • Why did West Virginia disband its water polo team? All the horses drowned. • What does it say on the back of every Fairmont State University diploma? Will Work For Food. • Why did the Blue Ridge Community College grad cross the road? Better question: why is he out of jail? • What's the one thing that keeps Mountaineers basketball players from graduating? Going to Class. • Why did the Marshall football team cross the road? Because it was easier than crossing the goal line. • How is a Morgantown girl different from a bowling ball? Sometimes a bowling ball is hard to pick up. • What do West Virginia grads use for birth control? Their personalities. •How do you break a Marshall grad's finger? Punch him in the nose. • How do you get a Marshall Thundering Herd fan to laugh all weekend long? Tell him a joke Monday morning. • Why did West Virginia change their field from grass to artificial turf? To keep their cheerleaders from grazing at halftime. • What's the difference between Morgantown and yogurt? Yogurt has an active living culture. • What's the difference between Milan Puskar Stadium and a cactus? The cactus has its pricks on the outside. • What separates a good team from a great team? The West Virginia-Ohio border. • How do you confuse a Marshall student? You can't, they were born that way. • How do you get from Columbus, OH to Morgantown, WV? Go east until you smell shiat and south until you step in it. • What will you never hear a Fairmont State grad say? "I have reviewed your application ... " • Why are rectal thermometers banned at Marshall University? They cause too much brain damage. • What should you do if you find three University of West Virginia football fans buried up to their neck in cement? Get more cement. • What's the difference between a West Virginia fan and a carp? One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish. • Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in West Virginia? Sheep can hear zippers a mile away. • What is the definition of a West Virginia virgin? An ugly twelve year old who can outrun her brothers. • What did the West Virginia fan do when his team has won the BCS championship? Turned off the PlayStation 3. • What do you call a West Virginia mountaineer in a BCS bowl game? A referee. • What's the difference between a West Virginia football player and a dollar? You can get four quarters out of a dollar. • Marshall's football team doesn't have a website. They couldn't string three "Ws" together. • What are the best four years of a Marshall grads life? Third grade. • What do a West Virginia native and a bottle of beer have in common? They're both empty from the neck up. • What's the first thing a Marshall University girl does when she wakes up in the morning? Walk home. • What do you call a West Virginia football player with a championship ring? A thief. • How do you stop a West Virginia fan from beating his wife? Dress her in a UConn jersey. • What did the West Virginia female say after sex? Get off me Dad, you're crushing my smokes. • What is the difference between a bucket of shiat and a Mountaineers fan? The bucket. • Why do they not serve ice in drinks at Mountaineers games anymore? The student who knew the recipe graduated • Why don't girls play hide and seek in West Virginia? No one would look for them. Elevator Joke: A family from West Virginia decides to go to the Big Apple for the first time in their lives; Maw, Paw and their son. They go into the Empire State Building. In the lobby they notice the elevator. Never having seen one before, they stand in front of it bewildered. While staring at it, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to it, pushes the button, the door opens, she rolls herself inside and the door closes. The family watches as the lights for each floor light as it goes up. They continue to watch as the numbers go down again. The door opens and out walks this tall gorgeous blonde. Paw looks at his son and says, "Quick boy, shove yer Maw in there!" Cemetery Joke: Junior and his Mom walk pass a grave and the kid stops to read aloud: "Here Lies A West Virginia Graduate And A Great Man." He then turns to his Mom and asks: "Why are two people buried here?"
1. USS Ronald Reagan (CVN 76) Seeing it next to the Arizona Memorial really puts its size into perspective... ENORMOUS ! When the Bridge pipes 'Man the Rail' there is a lot of rail to man on this monster: shoulder to shoulder, around 4.5 acres. Her displacement is about 100,000 tons with full complement. Size 1. Towers 20 stories above the waterline 2. 1092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall 3. Flight deck covers 4.5 acres 4. 4 bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200 pounds 5. 2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons 6. 4 high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 square feet Capacity 1. Home to about 6,000 Navy personnel 2. Carries enough food and supplies to operate for 90 days 3. 18,150 meals served daily 4. Distillation plants provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water from sea water daily, enough for 2,000 homes 5. Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 miles of cable and wiring 1,400 telephones 6. 14,000 pillowcases and 28,000 sheets 2. USS Bill Clinton (CVS 1) The USS William Jefferson Clinton (CVS1) set sail today from its home port of Vancouver , BC The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to President Bill Clinton 'for his foresight in military budget cuts' and his conduct while holding the (formerly dignified) office of President. The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots. It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F14 Tomcat or one (unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft; although they cannot be launched on the 100-foot flight deck, theyform a very menacing presence. As a standing order, there are no firearms allowed on board. This crew, like the crew aboard the USS Jimmy Carter, is specially trained to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of the United States at all costs. An onboard Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology in any language to anyone who may find America offensive. The number of apologies are limitless and, though some may seem hollow and disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere. In times of conflict, the USS Clinton has orders to seek refuge in Canadian port . 3. USS Barack Obama Details are vague. But don't you worry...he has a plan.
Conference on Aging THE WEATHERMAN presenting a Conference on Aging in California, You absolutely have to watch this, and probably share it with friends. You are guaranteed much laughter. It even makes me feel younger! This was a guest speaker at an actual Conference on Aging in California; The speaker is a weatherman, but SHOULD be a standup comic. https://www.youtube.com/embed/LR2qZ0A8vic?rel=0
A very interesting test on how well you know your country. The test was designed by Bill O'Reilly and there are no trick questions. You should get at least 15 to pass . See how well you do -- click below Country Knowledge
THE JUGGLER ----- Funny again after all these years! Here's a little something to brighten your day Do you remember *‘THE JUGGLER*'? The people in the front row: Chief of Staff, Howard Baker,President and Mrs. Reagan and Tip O'Neal the (Dem.) House Majority Leader) (Note the secret service behind the President trying not to laugh) https://www.youtube.com/embed/n6mbW-jMtrY?rel=0
A Brief History of Condoms I've always been a student of history, but I didn't know this. In 1272, the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In 1873,theFrench refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first. Don't thank me... I do this as a public service for the advancement of education.
LEXOPHILIA - WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP? A lexophile of course! How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it. Venison for dinner again? Oh deer! A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo. I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. When chemists die, they barium. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. Broken pencils are pointless. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have no where to go I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. Velcro - what a rip off! Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.