George Carlin's Rules For the New Year New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days---heâs mowing my lawn. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids - lucky bastards. New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some Jack Daniels over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n-Low, and one NutraSweet, " Oh, you're a huge asshole." New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show." New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future round saying "Do you want fries with that?"
Southern Police Exam A police recruit in Alabama was asked during the exam: "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He squirmed: "MY Mama? Call for backup, quick!"
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away." "I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Same girl, next day, flags a cab. when she gets to her destination, cabbie says, "Twenty six bucks". She says', "I'm broke". Lifts her skirt, gives him the Brittney, and says, "how bout some of this??"" Cabbie says." .......got anything smaller?"
I try to remember a lot of these guys never heard these. That stripper joke is probably from the 20"s or so. Still funny. This thread gets me interested in more and more, and I was reading some Burlesque stuff. A big problem was, the big acts, who could pay writers, would debut new stuff, and by the time they got to the next town, it had already been performed. Not funny. Guy wants to go to the movies, but he's got his duck with him. He sneaks the duck down his pants, and gets in alright, but the duck can't breath. So, he unzips his fly and the ducks head pops out. Two old ladies sitting there, one pokes the other and says, "Harriet, look at that man's crotch. You won't believe it, He's, he's whipped it out. " "Oh, stop, Irene. They all look the same." "Oh yeah? Well, this one eats popcorn." That's Burlesque from probable the teens. The only thing we know is, there had to be movies. They call burlesque "low comedy." I'm trying to figure out a name for Nutmeg's stuff.
." I'm trying to figure out a name for Nutmeg's stuff. _________________________________________ My best friend is a bi polar manic depressive, sheesh could we make people laugh but we seldom laughed out loud at our own jokes. You know "the med" issue.
Whoa, Nutmeg, just a couple pages back you were laughing at your own jokes. Well, I gotta run and look for some new material.
Some Scary Stuff It was a dark and stormy night. A guy was driving in some mountains and his car broke down. He stopped it by a tree and walked down the highway looking for help. A headlight started to approach him from behind. He turned back and noticed a car coming forth very slowly. He walked up to it, opened the door, and jumped on the passenger's seat. Then he suddenly noticed that there was no driver, but the car was moving! Before the guy could decide what to do, a sharp turn appeared a few meters before the car and it seemed that the car was going to go off the cliff. The guy trembled in fright, but a stringy pale hand came in from the open window and hesitantly turned the steering wheel! When the car finished turning around the curve, the hand opened and withdrew. Every time there was a turn, the same hand would come in and guide the wheels of the car to safety. There were moans and groans that could be heard in the night, not too far away - and getting worse as the road shifted and inched upwards. The guy could not believe all this. As soon as he finally saw the lights of some rest stop in the distance, he bolted off the car and ran into a bar, all white, wet, trembling, and telling everybody that he had a most creepy, scary, supernatural experience. Then two men stumbled into the bar, tired, sweaty and dripping in mud. One saw the guy and said, "Hey, that's the idiot that got in our car while were pushing it up the hill, right?"
you know, you can make stuff up. Lady says, "I swallow". " Sweetie, once it leaves me, I really don't care what you do with it."