I called into work today and told my boss I need to call off sick. Got a headache, stomach ache, just feel lousy. The boss says, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do I go ask my wife for a blowjob. That makes everything better and then I'm ready for work. I tell him I'll give it a try. Couple hours later I call the boss again to let him know I feel great. I'll be at work soon...you have a really nice house.
I love Christmas lights! They remind me of The people who voted for Obama. They all hang together, half of them don't work, And the ones that do, aren't all that bright.
Preferable to Chump who might and probably will do something awful. I wouldn't trust him with a tricycle.
Do you know everything? A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. A snail can sleep for three years. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill. Almonds are a member of the peach family. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age. Butterflies taste with their feet. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10. Dreamt is the only English word that ends in the letters mt. February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. If you are an average American, in your whole life you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red traffic lights. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. No other words in the English language rhyme with month, orange, silver, or purple. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand and lollipop with the right. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel fuel that it burns. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. The sentence The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog uses every letter of the alphabet. The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid. The words racecar, kayak and level are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. There are more chickens than people in the world. There are only four words in the English language which end in dous: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: abstemious and facetious. There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur. Typewriter is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance. Women blink nearly twice as much as men. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself. Now you know everything.
DEAR DIARY - DAY - 1 All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one and I can't wait! DEAR DIARY - DAY - 2 Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man. DEAR DIARY - DAY - 3 At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive. DEAR DIARY - DAY - 4 Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. The Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband. DEAR DIARY - DAY - 5 Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. The Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked. DEAR DIARY - DAY - 6 Today I saved 2600 lives............................Twice
Jordan's King The Islamic State ( ISIS ) put a captured Jordanian pilot in a metal cage, poured gasoline over him, set him on fire and filmed it. They then released the video to the world, showing how bad they are. What they DIDN’T think of was what poor, little Jordan would think about it. Jordan’s king is totally pissed about it. He’s declared war on ISIS and says that Jordan will fight until the last round has been sent downrange. ISIS MAY begin to realize that burning the pilot alive was a very bad idea. You see, King Abdulla II is also a military pilot who recently led an attack on ISIS : Oh, he also rides a Harley Davidson: His queen is totally hot (I forgot to mention, she’s Palestinian): AND he was trained at Sandhurst, the esteemed British Royal Military Academy . He is specifically qualified in special warfare and has ensured that Jordan has the best equipped and most highly trained special warfare troops in the region AND he is a qualified jumpmaster: What the King is, is a total warrior, a stud and he leads from the front: And THIS is what We Have…
WITH A GRAND SENSE OF HUMOUR A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER THAT READ: We will heel you, We will save your sole, We will even dye for you. Sign over a Gynaecologist’s Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”; In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels.”; On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, You've come to the right place.”; On a Plumber's truck : "We repair what your husband fixed.”; On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”; At a Tyre Shop in Milwaukee : "Invite us to your next blowout.”; On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts.”; In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”; On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push.”; At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”; Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”; In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”; At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”; In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”; In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait.”; At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank Heaven for little grills.”; In a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak.”; And the best one for last…; Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises...!