An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on your." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
THE PERFECT DAY – January 20, 2017 1. President Marco Rubio and Vice President Carly Fiorina are sworn into office. 2. In a rare event on inauguration day, Congress convenes for an emergency meeting to repeal the illegal and unconstitutional Socialist healthcare farce known as Obamacare. The new Director of Health and Social Services Dr. Ben Carson announces that an independent group of healthcare management professionals is hired to handle healthcare services for poor and low income people. They are also assigned the duty of eliminating Medicare and Medicaid fraud. Government’s costs for public healthcare are reduced by 9 0%. Healthcare insurance premiums for working Americans are reduced by 50%. The move saves billions of taxpayer paid dollars. Healthcare service in the U.S improves 100%. 3. Newly appointed department of Homeland Security Chief Donald Trump announces the immediate deployment of Troops to the U.S. Mexico border to control illegal immigration and the immediate deportation of illegals with criminal records or links to terrorist groups. New bio-encrypted Social Security ID’s are required by every American citizen. Birthright is abolished. All immigration from countries that represent a threat to the safety of American citizens is terminated indefinitely. The move saves American taxpayers billions of dollars. Several prisons are closed. 4. Newly appointed Secretary of Business and Economic Development Ted Cruz eliminates more than half of the Government agencies operating under the Obama administration saving taxpayers billions of dollars. Stocks rise 100%. 5. Newly appointed Director of Government Finance Rand Paul announces the abolition of the IRS and displays a copy of the new Federal Tax Return form. It consists of one page. The instructions consist of two pages. The Federal Reserve is audited. The move saves American taxpayers billions of dollars and increases tax revenue. 6. Hillary Clinton is in jail, where she belongs. Her cell is directly across from Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton who are serving time for ‘Hate Crimes." She bitches at them constantly from behind the bars of her cell in what some might call cruel and unusual punishment. 7. Bernie Sanders is in the nuthouse, where he belongs. His room is directly across from Nancy Pelosi, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Chris Matthews and Al Franken. They meet for tea every day at ten and discuss the success and benefits of Communism and Socialism throughout the world. They also wonder when the “Mothership” is going to pick them up and return them to their home planets. 8. Windows 12 is released. It is designed for humans, doesn’t try to satisfy the needs of every person on the planet, doesn’t require a degree in nuclear physics to operate and looks just like Windows 7 except it is easier to use. 9. Barack Obama flees the United States under cover of darkness and returns to his homeland of Kenya before his trial for treason begins. He deplanes on a remote jungle airstrip. It was reported that he was last seen wandering through the jungle singing “Hakuna Matata” with a chimp named Commie. 10. Oscar Meyer announces the introduction of a new cholesterol and fat free pepperoni that tastes just like regular pepperoni. 11. Not to be outdone, Kraft Foods announces the introduction of several varieties of cholesterol and fat free cheeses that taste just like regular cheese. 12. All committees established to fake the data and postulate what is causing global cooling are dispersed. Billions of taxpayer dollars are saved. 13. Jennifer Anniston calls me, crying. She tells me it was a big mistake dumping me back in 2000 and begs me to take her back. I decline, explaining that I am happily married. She is devastated and cries for days. Justice is served. 14. Dead people are no longer allowed to vote in Chicago, a huge blow for the Democrat Party in the State of Illinois. 15. I receive a call from an attorney in Ireland. He explains that I have inherited a brewery and coastal estate in Ireland from a distant relative and that I need to be in Dublin as soon as possible to sign the papers. Ten hours later we tour our new vacation home. There is a red Ferrari in the garage, also part of the inheritance. And this my friends const itutes THE PERFECT DAY!
GREAT NEWS! I just figured it out: I am a Seenager (senior teenager). I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 50 years later. I don't have to go to school or work. I get an allowance (Social Security and a pension ). I have my own house. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car. I have ID that gets me into bars and the Beer Store. The woman I love is not scared of getting pregnant and I don't have acne. Life is great !!!
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this storeONLY ONCE!There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1- These men Have JobsShe is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2- These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. Thefirst floorhaswives that love sex. Thesecond floorhas wives that love sex, have money and like beer. Thethird, fourth, fifthandsixthfloorshave never been visited.
God's plan for aging Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good. Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good. Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good. So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath. Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older #9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world. #8 Life is sexually transmitted. #7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. #6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich. #5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years. #4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing. #3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. #2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal. #1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow. Don't ignore this message. This is your only warning.
Special Travel Package for Businessmen An Airline introduced a special package for Businessmen. Buy your ticket, get your wife's ticket free! After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how the trip was.72% of them gave the same reply..."What trip?" New SIM to Surprise Her Husband Woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the living room. She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number: "Hello Darling."The husband responds in a low tone: "Let me call you back later Honey, my wife is in the kitchen. Cool Message by a Wife Dear Mother-in-law,"Don't teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement." Throwing Knives at Wife's Picture Husband was throwing knives at his wife’s picture. All the knives were missing the target! Suddenly he received a call from her "Hi, what are you doing?"His honest reply, "MISSING YOU." Habit of Talking in Sleep A lady to doctor: My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it? Dr: Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake. Natural Disasters Just Happen Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate, hurricanes to swirl around and no one teaches a man how to choose a wife. Natural disasters just happen. Your Husband Needs Rest Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace,so here are some sleeping pills. Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him? Doctor: They are for you!