Logic Two Texas farmers, Steve and Joe, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Steve turns to Joe and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes.' The next day, Steve goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. 'Logic?' Steve says. 'What's that?' The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?' 'Yeah.' 'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.' 'That's true, I do have a yard.' 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.' 'Yes, I do have a house.' 'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.' 'Yes, I have a family.' 'Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.' 'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.' Excited to take the class now, Steve shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Joe at the bar. He tells Joe about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. 'Logic?' Joe says, 'What's that?' Steve says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?' 'No.' 'Then you're a queer'.
A Letter To Santa Time to bring out a holiday classic. Dear Santa, How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty V and an iPhone 5 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day. Merry Christmas, Jimmy Jones Dear Jimmy, Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with. Merry Christmas, Santa Claus Mr. Claus, Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite? Respectfully, Jim Jones Mr. Jones, While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days. Very Truly Yours, S Claus Now look here Fat Man, I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN! J-Bone Listen Pizza Face, Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now; you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia. S Clizzy Dear Santa, Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything. Jimmy Jimmy, That's what I thought you little bastard. Santa
Thoughts For Today The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient. My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me. My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 195 lbs. I've gained since then. I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?” The speed with which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong" . . . is inversely proportional to the severity of the crap storm that's coming. Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.' If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday ... your life sucks! If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need . . . not all this, "How did you get into my house" business! The pharmacist asked me my birthdate again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something. On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week.Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese. I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor." I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos. What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their noses? The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married ....Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara, and, of course, Opie-- all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk. Money can't buy happiness but it keeps the kids in touch!