Happy Anniversary A couple were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one .... 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift." "Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today." Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you." "It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come." Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything." After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married." The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?" "Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."
I saw some asshole do that to an old man walking on the sidewalk in my little town. Total low life scum bag; I wouldn't piss on the idiot if he were on fire. Imagine what must be going on in that little pea brain when he sees an 80+ year old man limping along the sidewalk and decides it would be "fun" to gas him with excess fuel burn. I swear to god if I knew where the dickhead lived he wouldn't have the truck anymore.
Doctor was giving me a physical this morning and told me I had to stop masturbating. I asked "Why?" He said "Because I'm giving you a physical."
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property." "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "most days he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I never wanted a divorce. It's my husband. He says he can't communicate with me."
Good ole Bob - what a guy. Yep he was a Brit thru and thru. If you haven't got hope in your soul then maybe you need more soap in yer hole.
The Dog A Kansas farm wife called the local telephone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called. And when it did ring, her dog always moaned just before it rang. The repairman headed out to her place, curious to meet this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed the pole outside her house, hooked up his test set, and dialed her number. It didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and it began to ring. He climbed down from the pole and discovered the following: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone's ground system with a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was dialed. 4. After a couple of jolts the dog would start to moan and then urinate. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit and then the phone would ring. What this demonstrates is that some problems CAN be solved by pissing and moaning.