Story about an excellent husband A guy woke up in the morning with a terrible hangover. Next to the bed was a couple of aspirins, a glass of water, and a note from his wife...Honey, there's a hot breakfast waiting for you in the kitchen. Love, your wife. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He stumbles into the bathroom and notices a huge black eye. After shaving, he goes to the kitchen, and sees that the hall mirror is broken too. His son is in the kitchen and as he's eating his huge breakfast the guy asks the son what all this is about. Well, last night you came home drunk off your ass, stumbled into the mirror and hit your head on the doorknob. Mom helped you to bed, and as she's trying to get your pants off you kicked her away and said get off me lady, I'm married!.
So why did the chicken cross the road? > > > > SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick! > > > BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period. > > > JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road. > > > HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road? > > > GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here. > > > DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun? > > > BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. > > > AL GORE: I invented the chicken. > > > JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it. > > > AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? > > > DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems. > > > OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. > > > ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. > > > NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks. > > > PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. > > > MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. > > > DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. > > > ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone. > > > GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. > > > BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road. > > > ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. > > > BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot. > > > ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? > > > COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one? >
Trump: They shoulda nuked that Mexican chicken before it crossed the border and raped decent American chickens.
3 women Were talking about their various partners. One a newlywed, the other a girlfriend and the third a wife of 25 years . The newly wed described how one evening just to spice things up, she wore only stockings and heels for when her husband came home and the mind blowing sex that lasted all night . The girlfriend said how she too wore just stockings and handcuffs to surprise her boyfriend when he came home. She too described the mind blowing sex that ladted all night long. The wife of 25 years hadva pained expression on her face which the other two noticed. Eventually they coaxed out of her what happened when she tried to spice things up. " Well". She said " I put on a pair of black, knee length leather boots, black stockings, a G string and a leather mask. Then waited for him to come home. Eventua66lly he came through the front door, dropped his brief case on the floor, looked at me and said, evening what's for dinner Batman ?!"
Two students are arguing when their teacher entered the classroom. The teacher asks, "Why are you arguing?" One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie." "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
MY BUILDING PERMIT Some have asked what I've been doing in retirement. Well, I applied for a building permit for a new house. It was going to be 100 ft. tall and 400 ft. square, with 12 gun turrets at various heights, and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system. It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it puke green with pink trim. The City Council told me; “Forget it...AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!” So, I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a "Mosque." Work starts on Monday. And here is the best part, it's going to be tax exempt! I love this country. It’s the government that scares the shit out of me!
Women A friend of mine made this remark after getting a divorce “Women are like hurricanes ...they come in fast, wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and car.” *********************************************************** TWENTY DOLLARS On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 38 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, And informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the almost four decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied, and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak. But finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!' ********************************************************** Just a few my mate got married earlier. they had the reception at macdonalds. thats the last happy meal he will ever have!!.. I went to the dentist today. 3 teeth gone and there was blood everywhere. Mind you, he hurt me so he was asking for it.. Scientists now believe that if you masturbate frequently you have a greater chance of developing Tourettes in later life. How the fuck these cuntbrained arseholes come up with these cocksucking titwank ideas is beyond me, fucksake!!.. What can a goose do that a duck can't, but a lawyer should? Shove its bill up its ass!!.. Little boy asks his Mummy do birds have removable parts. Mummy said no why do you ask. The little boy replies daddy just said he would like to screw the arse off the bird next door!!.. My wife to send me a video of her pleasuring herself today. I must admit, it did nothing for me. Five fucking minutes of her scoffing a huge chocolate bar!!.. That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a complete failure because: In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant. And in Australia, New Zealand, Canada and Great Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.