A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. "None, they all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU.There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... .....but I like your thinking."
Late Night Jokes "Today is Bill Clinton's birthday. Hillary sent Bill an e-birthday card and out of habit she immediately deleted it." –Conan O'Brien "Today, Hillary Clinton released an ad that emphasized her humble economic background. In the ad she says, 'Just 15 years ago, my family and I were evicted from our house.'" –Conan O'Brien 'The beautiful Heidi Klum is on the show tonight. Donald Trump was actually quoted as saying that Heidi is 'no longer a 10.' Heidi said the comment didn't bother her, especially coming from someone who was never even a 4.' –Jimmy Fallon "Trump recently said he won't eat Oreos anymore because the company that makes them moved to Mexico. Then Chris Christie said, 'Does that mean I can start dipping them in salsa?'" –Jimmy Fallon "The TSA's airport body scanners have been shown to be so ineffective, the Homeland Security chairman suggested using traditional metal detectors. While LaGuardia will continue to just have a scarecrow dressed as a cop." –Jimmy Fallon "Up to 11 states are poised to legalize weed, which would bring the total to 14 states. Marijuana activists are thrilled. They're saying, 'Wow, 14 states. That's more than half of the states.'" –James Corden "The FDA has approved a prescription pill to enhance a woman's sex drive. Addyi has been nicknamed 'pink Viagra.' It's interesting how it actually works. You don't take it yourself. You give the pill to your husband and it makes him do the dishes, and then you have sex." –Jimmy Kimmel "If you're in a relationship with a man who has to take a pill and you're a woman who has to take one to get interested, maybe you should just watch TV instead." –Jimmy Kimmel "A new CNN poll shows that Donald Trump is within six points of Hillary Clinton. It's the closest Trump has ever gotten to a woman over 40." –Seth Meyers "Apparently President Obama's favorite cocktail is a martini. When asked how he likes it, he said, 'On the beach, in Hawaii, in 2017.'" –Jimmy Fallon "According to a new poll, Jeb Bush saw a 6 percent drop in support after the first debate, but experts say he still has a shot because he's 'likable' and 'qualified.' Then Donald Trump said, 'Weird, the opposite is working for me.'" –Jimmy Fallon "The White House is worried about Joe Biden's potential run for president, and a source says they fear that it wouldn't have the right outcome. That's right, they think he might win." –Jimmy Fallon "This week the Obama administration warned China to remove its secret agents from the U.S. Then in the middle of Obama's announcement a plant behind him got up and walked away." –Jimmy Fallon "Donald Trump unveiled his immigration policy and now he's getting a lot of flak. His policy would have prevented his own grandfather from coming to America. That explains his new campaign slogan: 'Vote Trump to prevent another Trump.'" –Conan O'Brien "Donald Trump is the grandson of German immigrants. Don't worry. The last time a German guy with crazy hair took over a country, everything turned out fine." –Conan O'Brien "Jeb Bush cheated on his diet and had a fried Snickers bar, pork on a stick, and a beer. Jeb Bush said he ate it so at least he could see some of his numbers go up." –Conan O'Brien "Donald Trump told reporters yesterday that it would be very easy to round up all undocumented immigrants. But remember, this is the guy who couldn't even round up real celebrities." –Seth Meyers "A new CNN poll shows that Carly Fiorina has pushed Chris Christie out of the top 10 for the Republican nomination. Unfortunately, she threw her back out doing it." –Seth Meyers "There are reports that if Joe Biden runs for president, he would promise to serve for only one term — because nothing says confidence like promising your presidency would be over quickly." –Jimmy Fallon "New York Governor Andrew Cuomo just signed a bill that bans powdered alcohol from the state. So if you live in New York and you're consuming powdered alcohol, your life just somehow got even worse." –Jimmy Fallon "Chris Christie said he will top Donald Trump's Iowa State Fair helicopter entrance by riding in on a pony. As a result, all the ponies in Iowa have gone into hiding." –Conan O'Brien "This weekend many of the Republican candidates said they used a fit bit. In fact, Jeb Bush uses his to see how much distance he can put between himself and his last name." –Conan O'Brien "Donald Trump was photographed at the Iowa State Fair eating a pork chop on a stick. That's what I love about America. You can fly on a private jet and eat at five-star restaurants. But if you want to be president, when they hand you a pork chop on a stick in Iowa, you have to eat it." –Jimmy Kimmel "Donald Trump landed his helicopter at the state fair and offered to take some kids on a ride in the helicopter. Twenty kids took the helicopter ride with Trump. He dropped them off in Texas. They're now building a wall on the border." –Jimmy Kimmel "Donald Trump's new policy paper would not give automatic citizenship to children born in America if they have foreign parents. Said Trump, 'It's nothing personal, Sasha and Malia.'" –Seth Meyers "New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said today that Hillary Clinton's arrogance is 'breathtaking.' Of course, he also said the same thing about a flight of stairs." –Seth Meyers
A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?' About 90 students raise their hands. 'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands. 'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?' About 15 students raise their hand. 'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' Three students raise their hands. 'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?' Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.' The student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?' Bubba replied, 'Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said Goats.
An IS fighter, fleeing from the battle, desperate for water, was plodding through the Syrian Desert when he saw something far off in the distance Praying for water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British Soldier selling regimental ties. The IS fighter asked, "Infidel Do you have water?" The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only 5 pounds." The IS fighter shouted, "You stupid infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I will kill you, but I must find water first!" "Okay," said the British soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a Regimental tie or that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better Human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need." Cursing him, the IS fighter staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped .... "They won't let me in without a fucking tie!"
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for 40 years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he woke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a Doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and an evil thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and gently pulling back the bed covers she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing; Tears in her eyes. After years of torture she reckoned she had finally had her revenge. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean," asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out and today it finally happened. But...by the grace of God, some Vaseline and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
The Secret To A Happy Married Life "You all know our faithful parishioner Bill," announced the priest after the service, motioning the old man and the woman beside him to stand up in church. "But, you may not know that Bill and his lovely wife Anna, are celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary today. Wow, what an accomplishment! Bill, could you please tell the congregation how you guys managed that, any advice and suggestions for our young couples that are just starting out?" "Well," said Bill, "it was simple. When I first came to this country I worked for Anna's father for 5 years, and after he died, I married Anna and took over the business. Soon after that, we went on our honeymoon back to the old country, Greece, and had a lovely time." "But you guys just came back from Greece last week after an absence of almost 60 years, didn't you?" asked the priest. "Was that part of your approach to married life... Did you go back to relive that beautiful honeymoon...?" "Well, yes," mumbled the old man, "but, also, you see, father, after all this time, I finally had to go and get her back..."
Met this old man... ...the other night. We started talking. He said: -When I was a boy, my mommy would send me down to the store on the corner, with only one dollar. I came home with a loaf of bread, coffee, a piece of nice meat, some potatoes, cheese, onions, some salt and even some candy for me. Can´t do that today. -Oh, I said. The inflation been that bad? -No. Just to many fucking security cameras everywhere.