When NASA started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work at zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that wrote at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C. The Russians used a pencil.
A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go into that field over there." He pointed out a grassy field in the distance. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "Look mister! I have the authority of the U.S. federal government with me!" Reaching into his back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want, on ANY land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!" The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams. He looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs, "YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
I love a good one liner 1. I recently got crushed by a pile of books, but I suppose I've only got my shelf to blame. 2. A man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation for a local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water. 3. I went to a really emotional wedding the other day. Even the cake was in tiers. 4. I had to quit my job at the shoe recycling factory. It was just sole destroying. 5. I was getting in to my car the other day and a man said 'can you give me a lift?' I said 'sure, you look great, chase your dreams, go for it!' 6. I've decided to sell my vacuum. Well, it was just gathering dust! 7. What's the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie! 8. Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. 9. My wife and I have been happy for 20 years. But then we met. 10. Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out, man. 11. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! 12. I was overcharged for velcro last week. What a rip off! 13. I think I'm emotionally constipated. I just can't seem to give a sh*t 14. I've been reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down. 15. A train stops at a train station. A bus stops at a bus station. Now why is my desk called a 'work station'? 16. How do prisoners call each other? On their cell phones! 17. The thing about dwarfs and midgets is that they have very little in common. 18. Have you heard about the magic tractor? It turned into a field! 19. To the guy who invented zero: Thanks for nothing! 20. I hate Russian Dolls. They're so full of themselves. 21. I used to be a banker, but over time I lost interest. 22. I was thinking about getting a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind. 23. I can't understand why people are so bothered about me not knowing what the word 'apocalypse' means. It's not like it's the end of the world! 24. Why can't a bike stand on its own? It's two-tired! 25. Did you hear about the man who lost his entire left side in an accident? He's all right now. 26. If I could only take one thing to a desert island, I probably wouldn't bother going. 27. I couldn't work out how to fasten my seat belt for ages. But then one day, it just clicked. 28. My first job was at a calendar factory. I can't believe they sacked me, all I did was take a day off! 29. I was going to tell my pizza joke but I think it's a bit too cheesy.
A husband and his wife were always fighting each other When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The woman would shout - 'When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life..' Neighbors feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared.. To everyone's relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 58. Her husband had a closed casket at the wake.. After the burial, he went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. His neighbours, concerned for his safety, asked - 'Aren't you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life??' The husband put down his drink and said 'Let her dig. I had her buried upside down.'