A guy sits down at the bar, sighs very sadly, and orders drink after drink rapidly. “Is everything OK, pal?” the bartender asks. “My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t talking to me for a month!” Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, “Well, maybe that’s kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet for a month?” “Yeah”, the guy looks up all misty, “but today is the last day...!”
Witticisms? If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous "scientist" who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do and it's to our amusement. Here are some of his gems: 1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. 3 - Half the people you know are below average.4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain. 9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. 10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... but she left me before we met. 12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark? 13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now. 19 - I intend to live forever.... so far, so good. 20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread 29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. 33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film. And an all time favorite- 34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
In a small country cemetary there stands a headstone emblazoned with the legend ; Here lies the body of Jim Sprogg who died after overdosing on Viagra. His Wife took it very hard !!!
I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent my wife from getting pregnant. Apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
Whilst strolling down the Harbour this morning about 11am I noticed a man shouting "Allah be praised" and "death to all infidels" then he tripped and fell into the water. He was struggling to stay afloat with all the explosives he was carrying, if he didn't get help he would surely drown. Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the police, the coast guard, the immigration office and the fire department. It's now 4pm, the man has drowned and none of the authorities have yet to respond. I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps