Q Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are on a camping trip. In the middle of the night, Holmes nudges Watson awake, and says, "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions of stars, my dear Holmes." "And what do you infer from these stars?" "Well, a number of things," he says, lighting his pipe: Astronomically, I observe that there are millions of galaxies and billions of stars and planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I expect that the weather will be fine and clear. Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful, and man, his creation, small and insignificant. What about you, Holmes?" "Watson, you fool. Someone has stolen our tent!" UQ
Q A Zen student goes to a temple and asks how long it will take him to gain enlightenment if he joins the temple. "Ten years," says the Zen master. "Well, how about if I really work and double my effort?" "Twenty years." UQ
Q One Zen student said, "My teacher is the best. He can go days without eating." The second said, "My teacher has so much self-control, he can go days without sleep." The third said, "My teacher is so wise that he eats when he's hungry and sleeps when he's tired." UQ
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because all the Mexicans that can run, jump and swim are in the US
As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” Apparently, I’m still lost…
Yannis goes into a bar and sits down. He asks the barkeep for a shot of whiskey and a beer. He slugs the shot and quickly chases it with the beer. He keeps reordering shots and beer like this until he has had seven rounds. The barkeep has been observing all of this and approaches Yannis and asks him what is going on? Yannis explains, "I just got my first blowjob" THe barkeep is taken back but says, "Congratulations, let me buy you a round." Yannis replies, "no thanks, if the first seven can't get rid of the taste, an eighth won't help."
The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon, "I have some good news and I have some bad news" "I've had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first," replies the tycoon. The lawyer says, "Well your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this week that she figures are worth a minimum of $20 to $30 million." The tycoon replies enthusiastically, "Well done... my wife is so smart! You’ve just made my day; now what’s the bad news?" The lawyer answers, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."
A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch. How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded. The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes." A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already??" the startled husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip. "Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."