A Muslim was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
"Lexophile" This is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. Here are some of this year's winning submissions: When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. The batteries were given out free of charge. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail. A will is a dead giveaway. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. A boiled egg is hard to beat. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
My new home comes with one of those fancy alarm systems which makes announcements. It's also programmable. I altered the system to announce "The King is Home" when I enter my code. After this my wife updated the console -- I'm now locked out!
One day, this guy is sitting in this bar taking his merry time. All of a sudden he's startled by three men with republican badges giving cheers, saying, "Fifteen! Fifteen!" He just ignores them and continues to drink. About 5 minutes later, the men again say, "Fifteen! Fifteen!" At this, the guy then walks over and asks them why they keep saying, "Fifteen! Fifteen!" The men respond, "Well, we went to the supermarket and bought this jigsaw puzzle, which we put together in 15 weeks! Considering that on the side of the box it said 3-5 years."
Or, It Could Go Like This: One day, this OTHER guy is sitting in this bar taking his merry time. All of a sudden he's startled by three men with democrat badges giving cheers, saying, "Two and a half, two and a half!!" He just ignores them and continues to drink. About 5 minutes later, the men again say, "Two and a half, two and a half!!" At this, the guy then walks over and asks them why they keep saying, "Two and a half, two and a half!!" The men respond, "Well, two and a half years ago we went to the supermarket and bought this jigsaw puzzle, which we just finished putting together! Considering that on the side of the box it said 3-5 years... we are happy, like when we got our stinking obamaphones!!"