The Importance of Walking Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.. My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there. Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate. The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.' If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...... just getting over the hill. We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
PEEING ON MY FLOWERS A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.” "Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer.” "Well now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?” "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!’ "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh by the way, what’s in the other bag?" "Not everybody pays."
PTUS Just as our basic vocabulary grows and evolves on an almost daily basis, so too does our usage of technical terminology and acronyms. Example: In recent American history, the president of our once-great nation has been identified by the acronym "POTUS." which of course used to stand for "President Of The United States." However, during the past 6 years, many may not be aware of the subtle change in meaning that has come about with that term. The current occupant of the Oval Office is still referred to as the POTUS, but the term has become much more descriptive of the man presently holding this once revered position: POTUS now obviously means......."Piece Of Totally Useless S***." Just wanted to get your day started right with an important fact.
Getting Older Gracefully Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. Somehow we haven't met yet! I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks! I don't need anger management. I need people to stop ticking me off. Old age is coming at a really bad time! The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it." My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them so far below my knees. The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes". I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week though. Lord, please give me patience... and give it to me NOW! Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
Some things a trader should avoid doing. 1. Never take a laxative just before the market opens. 2. Never take Viagra just before the market opens. 3. Never take Viagra and a laxative together. You won't know if you're coming or going.
Subject: Fwd: THE BEST ABBY EVER THE BEST ABBY EVER Dear Abby, My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.. Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's on his knees 7 times a day with Muslims. Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help? Signed, Lost -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Lost, Suck it up and stop whining, Michelle. You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with the idiot for 3 more years. Signed, Abby
A GUY WAS SITTING QUIETLY READING HIS PAPER WHEN HIS WIFE WALKED UP BEHIND HIM AND WHACKED HIM ON THE HEAD WITH A MAGAZINE. 'WHAT WAS THAT FOR?' HE ASKED. 'THAT WAS FOR THE PIECE OF PAPER IN YOUR TROUSER POCKET WITH THE NAME LAURA LOU WRITTEN ON IT,' SHE REPLIED. 'TWO WEEKS AGO WHEN I WENT TO THE RACES, LAURA LOU WAS THE NAME OF ONE OF THE HORSES I BET ON, I BOUGHT YOU THOSE FLOWERS WITH THE WINNINGS, 'HE EXPLAINED. 'OH DARLING, I'M SORRY,' SHE SAID. 'I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THERE WAS A GOOD EXPLANATION.' THREE DAYS LATER HE WAS WATCHING TV WHEN SHE WALKED UP AND HIT HIM ON THE HEAD AGAIN, THIS TIME WITH A FRYING PAN, WHICH KNOCKED HIM OUT COLD. WHEN HE CAME TO, HE ASKED, 'WHAT WAS THAT FOR?' 'YOUR HORSE PHONED.'
No matter what Isaac the husband did in bed; his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi. The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.' They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. 'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'This is a very special case, Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.' Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel vigorously. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, 'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!'