Hey, Jag. It was a very difficult colonoscopy. They had a difficult time getting past her head and in the process discovered the tumor. Talk about constipation. World class case.
Good Old Rodney! With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff. I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service. My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home! A hooker once told me she had a headache. If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all. I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.' My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning. The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.' My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling. My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal. My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel. My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio. I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway." I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide." My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect." I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room, he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it. One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men? A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing a very fancy earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in the back seat of my car." I always wondered how this trend got started...
Ahhh, Those Italians... At St. Dominic’s Catholic Church, they have weekly husbands’ marriage seminar. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, “Wella, I’va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is I tooka her to Italy for our 5th anniversary!” The priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife on your 50th anniversary? Giuseppe proudly replied, “Im gonna go picka her up.”
What's my Age? Andy’s wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the ‘miracle’ products, she asks her husband – “Darling, honestly if you didn’t know me, what age would you say I am? Looking over her carefully, Andy replied... “Judging from your skin, twenty,,, your hair, twenty three,,, and your figure, twenty five.” “Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed... “WHOA, hold on there sweety!” Andy interrupted. “I haven’t added them up yet!”
Sex sells! I don't think this has been posted before- perhaps so and then taken down? So true for most red blooded Spartan males.