Large fur bearing carnivorous mammals excreting fatty waist materials in the foliage of their natural habitat? Grizzly Bear Warning Sign Sign text reads: Due to the frequency of human-bear encounters, the B.C. Fish and Wildlife Branch is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and any persons that use the out of doors in a recreational or work related function to take extra precautions while in the field. We advise the outdoorsman to wear little noisy bells on clothing so as to give advanced warning to any bears that might be close by so you don’t take them by surprise. We also advise anyone using the out-of-doors to carry “Pepper Spray” with him is case of an encounter with a bear. Outdoorsmen should also be on the watch for fresh bear activity, and be able to tell the difference between black bear feces and grizzly bear feces. Black bear feces is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear shit has bells in it and smells like pepper.
Playing Golf Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?" Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?" Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now." Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?" Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years." Tiger says, "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?" Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." "But how do you putt?" asks Tiger. "Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice." Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?" Stevie says, "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer." Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." Stevie replies, "I agree. But, you know, people sometimes don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $30,000 a hole. Is that a problem?" Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that.. $30,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?" Stevie Wonder says, "Pick a night, any night..."
Best Courtroom exchange ever... ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? Witness: No. A: Did you check for blood pressure? W: No. A: Did you check for breathing? W: No. A: So, then is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? W: No. A: How can you be so sure, Doctor? W: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. A: But could the patient been alive, nonetheless? W: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. 'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior . 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.' 'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.' 'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?' 'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!' 'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!' 'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green....and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !' 'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!' 'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!' 'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother. 'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I Was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!' 'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile. 'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!' Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... 'You missed the fuckin' putt, didn't you?
After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at Hooter's to see some friends and have some hot wings and ice tea. After being there for a while, a couple of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with. I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators". I'm getting older, I was tired, and I needed to pee.
The Blonde Detective Exam A Policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” The first blonde’s answer, “that’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye.” The policeman says, “well....uh....that’s because the picture shows his PROFILE.” Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, “Ha, he’d be too easy to recognize because he only has one ear.” The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?” Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”, then he quickly adds, “think hard before giving me a stupid answer.” The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “Hmmm...The suspect wear contact lenses.” The policeman is surprised and speechless because doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I’ll get back to you on that.” He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. “Wow! I can’t believe it....it’s True! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?” “That’s easy,” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!!”
A Manager’s Wish A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out. The genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish.” “Me first!, me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speed boat, without a care in the world.” The genie snapped his fingers and poof, the woman disappeared. “Me next!, me next!,” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” The genie once again snapped his fingers and poof, the man disappeared. “OK, you’re up,” the genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two slouches back in the office after lunch!”