ATTACK DOG A man wanted an attack dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises. After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage. "He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer. "Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you." They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage. "Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier." "Well, no," said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you." The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached. "This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner. The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog seems quite tame. He doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his butt!" "I know, I know," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth." LITTLE JOHNNY COUNTS Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: "Seven, Sir." Teacher: "No, listen carefully If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?" ...Johnny: "Seven, Sir." ... Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Six." Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven!!! SIR!" A very angry Teacher: "Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?" A very angry Johnny: "Because,.... I've already got a friggin' cat! HOW RON GOT TO GO FISHING Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire. "Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus to letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since yesterday evening. I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, "Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want." So, Here I am. You guys want a beer?" DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GUTS AND BALLS We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below... GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next." I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death. FROZEN FACE Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
Speaking Of Apes <iframe width="565" height="318" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/_SYYreqVPf8" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
And Another One <iframe width="565" height="318" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/5a-MGWz9HWc" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
Greeks vs. Germans <iframe width="640" height="390" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/oTSRWWDYZqo" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe> <iframe width="640" height="390" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/LTRw02ytryQ" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe> <iframe width="640" height="390" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/GgybAmELJgs" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
A drunk gets on an elevator. There is one other rider... a nun. The drunk asks, "Can I smell your pussy"? Nun indignantly replies, "ABSOLUTELY NOT"! Drunk says, "Hmmmm, must be your feet".
Mary Had A Little Lamb... http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tedta...rid7|htmlws-main-bb|dl5|sec1_lnk3&pLid=500936 :eek:
An old cowboy goes into a saloon on a sleepy afternoon and after saying nothing for a few beers, the barmaid starts chatting with him and finally he remarks "I can tell what day a woman was born on just by feeling her boobs." "Really?", she said, "That's silly, no one can do that." He said, "Yep. It's true." Finally curiosity gets the best of her and she said "Okay. Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" The old cowboy said, "Yesterday."
65 Years Ago. This is PRICELESS ............. A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning With 'Carnation Milk is best of all. ' She thought to herself, I know everything there is to know about milk and dairy farms. I can do this! She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black car pulled up in front of her house. A large man got out, knocked on her door and said, "Ma'am, .....The president of Carnation milk absolutely LOVED your entry..... So much, in fact, that we are here to award you $1,000 even though we will not be able to use it for our advertisements!" He did, however, have one printed to hang on his office wall. True story!!