The Wisdom Of Phyllis Diller Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up. Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me. I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children. I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.' The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
HERE ARE SOME JOKES ABOUT ALIMONY: - Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse (Groucho Marx) - No man knows how short a month can be until he has to pay alimony. - It's the screwing you get, for the screwing you got. - Paying for something you don't get. - That's the same as buying corn for someone else's cow. -The high cost of leaving. - The wife cries and the judge wipes her tears with the husband's checkbook. - Buying oats for a runaway horse. - What is the definition of a faithful husband? One who's alimony checks arrive on time. ------- HERE ARE SOME JOKES ABOUT DIVORCE: - Divorce = When your wife stops screwing you, and her lawyer starts. - It was a rather friendly divorce; we split up the house equally. I got the outside. - Q: If marriage is grand, what is divorce? A: Ten Grand! - Q: If Bigamy is having one wife too many, what is Monogamy? A: The same! - Q: How do you know if your wife is a good housekeeper? A: After the divorce, she keeps the house! - ------- JOKES ABOUT MARRIAGE: - The inherent downside in a life of pursuing women is the possibility of inadvertently catching one. - If love is BLIND, and marriage is an INSTITUTION, then marriage is an INSTITUTION FOR THE BLIND. - How do men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done for free. - "Marriage Requires commitment to an institution - see "Insanity". - If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The DOG - you know he'll shut up when he comes in. - The happiest time in a man's life is that period of time between his first and second marriages. The problem is... he doesn't realize it, until the second marriage.
The current administration wants us to learn more about Muslims and accept them into our culture. So, I'm making a sincere effort to learn to communicate with our Muslim friends and learn Arabic for the sake of 'cultural diversity.' Attached is my first attempt.
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An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall. ''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'' The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'' ''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''