This is an actual news story, but since I posted Martha's Xmas to-do list joke a few pages back I thought I'd put it here since it is kind of funny http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20071226/ap_on_en_tv/people_martha_stewart Martha built nativity scene in prison 1 hour, 13 minutes ago CHARLESTON, W.Va. - The Christmas season brought Martha Stewart one fond memory of her stay in a West Virginia prison. On the Christmas Day episode of her television show, Stewart showed off ornate clay forms of the baby Jesus, Joseph, Mary, three camels and others she sculpted at a pottery class at the Federal Prison Camp in Alderson, W.Va. "Even though every inmate was only allowed to do one a month, and I was only there for five months, I begged because I said I was an expert potter â ceramicist actually â and could I please make the entire nativity scene," she said. Her creations were all fired and glazed at the prison. She completed the effect with tiny artificial palm trees imported from Germany by a New Jersey distributor. Stewart was imprisoned in 2005 for lying about her sale of ImClone stock.
What Religion is Your Bra? A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy 's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife." "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man. "There's more than one type?" "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from." Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?" Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple. ... The Catholic type supports the masses; The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen; The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills." Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed! A - Almost Boobs... B - Barely there... C - Can't Complain!... D - Dang!... DD - Double dang!... E - Enormous!... F - Fake... G - Get a Reduction... H - Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!...
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My wife died.'" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Nutmeg, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
Att Dog owners: Next time your dog does a 'soft one' on the beach, annoy metal detector owners by dropping nuts and bolts into it and covering it with sand.
We were looking at "Pygmy Date Palms" last nite, which reminded me: ......the difference between a group of Pygmys, and a girls' track team????????? One is "a cunning bunch of runts".
Time to get a new diving buddy.... When you indicate you are low on air, he writes on his slate "I'll get you some" and swims off.
Two elderly women had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Ha, I've been thinking about a spoof of "Girls gone wild" called "mothers gone bonkers" sheesh, the tin foil hat I gave ma for chritstmas isn't heavy duty enough, the bedside table top water fall, is not warding off the microwaves and she changed her phone number again, the upc codes are all scratched off on my presents because they are just that "codes".
I'll give you a real one. My mother is Gracie Allen. "I brought you some oatmeal." "We have oatmeal. Why don't you keep it?" "I don't like oatmeal." "Well, why would you buy something you don't like?" "Because, It's good for you."