Jokes 2

The dumbass rabbit is about 2 times as clever as the fool that asked the same stooooooopid question

 

Are you aware that a new world record has been set for the HIGH JUMP from a KNEELING position?

The record 3 feet 7 inches - remember this is from a KNEELING position and was set recently on a beach near Lake Milton in Youngstown, Ohio .

The attached photograph was taken a split second before the jump but it gives you an idea as to how it was achieved

 

Ah, Those Brits!

<iframe width="640" height="360" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/EgOvNJeefvA?feature=player_detailpage" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

 

Another Pun Collection

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
This dyslexic man walks into a bra.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

 

Yeah what ifs?

 

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.


Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.


After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.


*******************************


FEMALE PROCEDURE:

(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)


1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Re-dial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

 

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady – I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."

The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my ass sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself,'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?

 

Talking of riding - a cowboy marries his sweetheart in the church. They decide to take their honeymoon right away but in the next town, which has a posh hotel. It takes a while so now it is getting late, they carry their bags into the foyer. The check-in-clerk spots that they are probably newly weds, so he says to the groom, " wouldya like the bridal ?"
Nah says the cowboy, " if she gets frisky I'll hang on to her ears".

 

Mahatma Gandhi Anecdotes

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, there was a professor, whose last name was Peters, who felt animosity for Gandhi, and because Gandhi never lowered his head towards him, their "arguments" were very common. One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor, in his arrogance, said, "Mr Gandhi: you do not understand... a pig and a bird do not sit together to eat ", to which Gandhi replies, "You do not worry professor, I'll fly away ", and he went and sat at another table.

Mr. Peters, green of rage, decides to take revenge on the next test, but Gandhi responds brilliantly to all questions. Then, Mr. Peters asked him the following question, "Mr Gandhi, if you are walking down the street and find a package, and within it there is a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money; which one will you take?"
Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, "the one with the money, of course".
Mr. Peters, smiling, said, "I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, don't you think?"
"Each one takes what one doesn't have", responded Gandhi indifferently.

Mr. Peters, already hysteric, writes on the exam sheet the word "idiot" and gives it to Gandhi. Gandhi takes the exam sheet and sits down. A few minutes later, Gandhi goes to the professor and says, "Mr. Peters, thank you for signing the sheet, but you did not give me a grade!"

 

Fun Thing To Do

This is VERY FAST, so be prepared.You only have 8 seconds for each question.

http://www.flashbynight.com/test/