"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill. "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
Another Golden Oldie <iframe width="640" height="390" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/p2IdZSuP0kA" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
Best Speeding Excuse When asked by a young patrol officer, "Do you know you were speeding?" this 83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated: "Yes, young man, but, I had to get there before I forgot where I was going..." The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day.
This Is Cute <iframe width="640" height="360" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/SzXJ3vuCzCc?feature=player_embedded" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility ..... Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?' A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.' Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?' A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.' Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?' A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.' Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?' A: 'Yes sir, we do!' Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?' A: 'Yes, sir, I do.' Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?' A: 'Yes, sir.' Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?' A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour , sir ." The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control" As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit , the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. ' The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. ' The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, âWILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?? ' The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? " "Only when he's been drinking."*
Another Great Excuse After quite a chase, the policeman finally catches up to the speeding car and approaches it on foot. "Look", he says to the driver, "you were going at 90 miles per hour, but it's almost 5pm and it has been a long day for me, I'm tired and really hate doing this. Here's the deal: if you give me an excuse I haven't heard over the past 20 years of doing this stinking job, I'll let you go." "My wife left me last week, ran away with a traffic cop," said the driver... "I was terrified you might be bringing her back to me..." "Have a good day Sir, drive carefully!" smiled the policeman.
Call The PC Police A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary school. He talked to the children about his tribe and its traditions, then shared with them this fun fact: "There are no swear words in the Cherokee language." Little Johnny raised his hand, "But what if you're hammering a nail and accidentally smash your thumb?" "That," the man answered, "is when we use English..."