Epitaphs G. Winch, the brewer, lies buried here. In life he was both hale and stout. Death brought him to his bitter bier. Now in heaven he hops about. Jedediah Goodwin, Auctioneer Born 1928 Going! Going!! Gone!!! 1976
On the way home from the mall the other night I blacked out. I knocked out a white kid, stole a car, and mixed up a batch of purple drank for the road.
Epitaphs (Cont'd) Here lies Johnny Yeast Pardon me For not rising. Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake. Here lays Butch, We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger, But slow on the draw. Here lies John Strange An honest lawyer, And that is Strange. Here lies Lester Moore Four slugs from a .44 No Les No More. On the 22nd of June - Jonathan Fiddle - Went out of tune. Here lies the body of our Anna Done to death by a banana It wasn't the fruit that laid her low But the skin of the thing that made her go. Under the sod and under the trees Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod: Pease shelled out and went to God. Here lies Ellen Shannon Who was fatally burned March 21, 1870 by the explosion of a lamp filled with "R.E. Danforth's Non-Explosive Burning Fluid" Here lies Peter Eager Born 1903 - Died 1942 Worked on elevators. Looked up the shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was. Here lies Ezekial Aikle Age 102. The good die young. Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes who died January 3, 1803 His comely young widow, aged 23, has many qualifications of a good wife, and yearns to be comforted. The children of Israel wanted bread And the Lord sent them manna, Old Clark Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna. Here lies an Atheist Jonathan Roe All dressed up And no place to go.
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner, unannounced, at 5:30, after work. His wife screams at him as his friend listens in. "My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?" "Because he's thinking of getting married."
I just want you guys to know that I am drinking some of the most powerful beer available, and you are hilarious! (It's 8.7%...but you would still be great without it.) PS,, sorry if already posted, but Scat, here is the first "start a fight" joke I have heard: Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been in intensive care since Friday.
A Golden Oldie <iframe width="640" height="360" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/kTcRRaXV-fg?feature=player_embedded" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
The Child Within <iframe width="640" height="360" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/pfxB5ut-KTs?feature=player_embedded" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>