Twas the Night Before Christmas - Senior's Edition Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest, And all of us seniors were looking our best. Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry; Our punch bowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry. A bed sock was taped to each walker; in hope That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap. We surely were lucky to be there with friends, Secure in this residence and in our Depends. Our grandkids had sent us some Christmassy crafts, Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts. The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth, And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath. The bedpans, so shiny, all stood in a row, Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow. Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop -- Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top. Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great, Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate. The social director then had us play games, Like "Where Are You Living?" And "What Are Your Names?" Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats, Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats. Our resident wanderer was tied to her chair, In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there. Security lights on the new fallen snow Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below. Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter. A strange little fellow flew in through the door, Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor. 'Twas just our director, all togged out in red. He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head. We knew from the way that he strutted and jived Our social security checks had arrived. We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak, Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke. And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds. While nurses distributed nocturnal meds. And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest. 'fore long you'll be with us, we wish you the best.
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a snack cake while her dad gets his hair cut. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get tits too."
CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHO-CHALLENGED 1. Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear ? 2. Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Queens Disoriented Are 3. Amnesia - I Donât Know if Iâll be Home For Christmas 4. Narcissistic - Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me 5. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants 6. Paranoid - Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me. 7. Borderline Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire 8. Full Personality Disorder â You Better Watch Out, Iâm Gonna Cry, Iâm Gonna Pout, Maybe Iâll Tell You Why! 9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder â Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bellsâ¦â¦. 10. Agoraphobia - I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day, But Wouldnât Leave My House 11. Senile Dementia - Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe 12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder - I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House
My wife says to me "You never finish nothing". I gave her a copy of "ADHD for Dummies" - Read it and weep.-
. Darwin awards. All members of Joke thread......... 1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. And now, the Honorable Mentions: 2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat- cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. 3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her. 4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. 5. A Texas teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. 6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15. 7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. 8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, 'Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from.' 9. The Ann Arbor Michigan News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 a.m. , flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. ******THE 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER** *** 10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd had in a very long time.
Frank: "I lost my job yesterday at the deli because they caught me with my cock in the pickle slicer." Tom: "Oh man, that sounds painful! What happened?" Frank: "They fired the pickle slicer, too.
(Short story). Back in the early 1990's I made good friends with Leslie Nielsen, and David and Jerry Zucker (who created Police Squad and the follow up Naked Gun movies). I stayed at David's "Whale Rock Ranch" in Ojai, just north of LA a few times (actually had life size carvings of whales that were carved out thousands of years ago by the natives, really cool). Anyway, one day I was in the Sony Studios office of Zucker Bros, with David, Jerry and Leslie. They put in a video to the original Police Squad to see if they had listed themselves as "Creator"s" of the series (why didn't they know this already I wondered, LOL). Apparently someone in Europe was raking in the dough re-distributing the shows. There was $millions involved. Well, they put in the tape, saw their names as "Created by" - and a big "yippee" from all these "professional" Hollywood types, LOL. I actually put one of our Electric Cars in Naked Gun 2 1/2, went on a Promotional tour with Leslie and the car. Ended up in Daytona Beach filming with Leslie and MTV...right during the middle of the Hawaiian Tropic swimsuit finals (I just stayed in the elevators, riding up and down with the girls, LOL). Anyway, sorry for the memory lane. David Zucker with his car. Leslie at Daytona Beach in Naked Gun car. How cool is this example of the Whale Rocks. That's my wife and son for size perspective. (again, sorry for the long post) Don