Oi vey! I'm going to start slow.... After dinner, my wife told me she was expecting a baby. "You'd better go and open the door." I said. "A baby will never reach the doorbell."
My new girlfriend just told me that our relationship was over. "I want to be a virgin on my wedding night," she said.
What's the difference between plunging a sink and giving a hand job? Please post your answers on a postcard to my wife, c/o ET. please.
I went into the emergency and said, "My wife needs help. She's having a heart attack." "Are you sure?" the nurse asked. "She looks a picture of health to me." "This is my girlfriend," I explained. "My wife's on the floor at home clutching her chest."
A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, âOh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!â And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.â
Let me try this on my new iPhone... "Siri... What's the difference between plunging a sink and giving a hand job?" "Ask Nutmeg's wife. Everyone is sending her postcards."