Jokes 2

I don't know why anyone would ever go to a female heart doctor.

My buddy needs to have a stent put in and his lady heart doctor said "the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach".

 

and she know how to keep nuts in her mouth

http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q...682BA2D4349DB968CC9868&view=detail&FORM=VIRE1

 

“I’m ashamed of the way we live,” a young wife said to her lazy, shiftless husband who refused to find a job.

“My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I’m just so ashamed.”

The husband rolled over on the couch. “You should be ashamed,” he agreed. “Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a cent.”

 

http://bestofmeanwhilein.com/2011/06/meanwhile-in-russia-finger-virtuoso/

 

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip

 

The Second Opinion

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'
The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!'

 

"I run trains all the time."

I can't remember if that was Casey Jones or Bill Clinton that said that.

 

Medically Speaking

 

Some men carry and handle their diplomacy better than others........

When former U.S. Military commander in Afghanistan , Stanley
McChrystal, was called into the Oval Office by Barack Obama, he
knew things weren't going to go well when the President accused
him of not supporting him in his political role as President.

"It's not my job to support you as a politician, Mr. President, it's my job to support you as Commander-in-Chief," McChrystal replied, and he handed Obama his resignation.

Not satisfied with accepting McChrystal's resignation the President made a cheap parting shot. "I bet when I die you'll be happy to pee on my grave."

The General saluted. "Mr. President, I always told myself after leaving the Army, I'd never stand in line again."

 

Wrt Dead Penguins

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go?

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and thusly buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow..." "Freeze a jolly good fellow..."

...

(You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?)