After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings. "Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked. "I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it-a regular Sodom and Gomorra. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions." "Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?" "I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on Judgment Day if they do not stop this type of activity," replied St. Peter. "That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it. Let's send a letter that's personally signed by me to each one of these good people." And so they did. Do you know what the letter said? No? Hmmm... So YOU didn't get the letter either, huh??
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell-Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires. 1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_]Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other First Name: .................................................... Initial: ........ Last Name: ..................................................... Password: .............................. (max 8 char) Code Name: ..................................................... Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ........... .......... 2. Which model aircraft did you purchase? [_] F-14 Tomcat [_] F-15 Eagle [_] F-16 Falcon [_] F-117A Stealth [_] Classified 3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... / ....... /...... 4. Serial Number:................................................ 5. Please check where this product was purchased: [_] Received as gift [_] Aid package [_] Catalog showroom [_] Independent arms broker [_] Mail order [_] Discount store [_] Government surplus [_] Classified 6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased: [_] Heard loud noise, looked up [_] Store display [_] Espionage [_] Recommended by friend/relative/ally [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer [_] Was attacked by one 7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product: [_] Style/Appearance [_] Speed/Maneuverability [_] Price/Value [_] Comfort/Convenience [_] Kickback/Bribe [_] Recommended by salesperson [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation [_] Advanced Weapons Systems [_] Backroom politics [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat 8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used: [_] North America [_] Iraq [_] Central/South America [_] Iraq [_] Aircraft carrier [_] Iraq [_] Europe [_] Iraq [_] Middle East (not Iraq) [_] Iraq [_] Africa [_] Iraq [_] Asia/Far East [_] Iraq [_] Misc. Third World countries [_] Iraq [_] Classified [_] Iraq 9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future: [_] Color TV [_] VCR [_] ICBM [_] Killer Satellite [_] CD Player [_] Air-to-Air Missiles [_] Space Shuttle [_] Home Computer [_] Nuclear Weapon [_] Timmay Sykes DVD 10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply.) [_] Communist/Socialist [_] Terrorist [_] Crazed [_] Neutral [_] Democratic [_] Dictatorship [_] Corrupt [_] Primitive/Tribal 11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product? [_] Deficit spending [_] Cash [_] Suitcases of cocaine [_] Oil revenues [_] Personal check [_] Credit card [_] Ransom money [_] Traveler's check 12. Your occupation: [_] Homemaker [_] Sales/Marketing [_] Revolutionary [_] Clerical [_] Mercenary [_] Tyrant [_] Postal Worker [_] Middle management [_] Eccentric billionaire [_] Defense Minister/General [_] Retired [_] Student 13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis: [_] Golf [_] Boating/Sailing [_] Sabotage [_] Running/Jogging [_] Propaganda/Disinformation [_] Destabilization/Overthrow [_] Default on loans [_] Gardening [_] Crafts [_] Black market/Smuggling [_] Collectibles/Collections [_] Watching sports on TV [_] Wines [_] Interrogation/Torture [_] Household pets [_] Crushing rebellions [_] Espionage/Reconnaissance [_] Fashion clothing [_] Border disputes [_] Mutually Assured Destruction Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future -- as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes! Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to: McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION Marketing Department Military Aerospace Division
Results from a recent Pew Research Center survey conclude that display window mannequins are just plain dumb. "We never realized just how unintelligent they are," remarked Head Pew Survey & Data Manager, Nilanthi Samaranayake. "Until now, that is." Although many people often mistake the quiet, reflective nature of mannequins as a sign of wisdom, Ms. Samaranayake emphatically rejects that claim. She cites their inability to perform even the simplest of tasks as evidence that they are actually quite vacant. "We started out with some fairly complex items like figuring out a Rubik's Cube and then worked backwards," she continued. "We then asked them a simple battery of questions, such as 'What is your name?' and 'What is your favorite color?' When they could not answer, we realized then that we were really on to something." So no matter what someone else tells you -- despite their 'pretty faces', those heads in the window are pretty dumb.
Not really a joke, but definitely worth watching <object width="425" height="355"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/ZiRHyzjb5SI&rel=1"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/ZiRHyzjb5SI&rel=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="355"></embed></object> Smiles until the end, then maybe a tear or two. Don
Confucius Say Woman who cooks carrots and peas in one pot - very unsanitary. Woman who puts man in doghouse may find man in cathouse. Woman with blond hair has black hair by crackee. Woman who slides down banister make monkey shine. Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
Don said it in his original post "Not really a joke" And he couldn't have been more truthful - there wasn't a joke in there anywhere. (It's a touching video about Alzheimer's)
Benefits of having Alzheimer's disease 5. You never have to watch reruns on television. 4. You are always meeting new people. 3. You don't have to remember the whines and complaints of your spouse. 2. You can hide your own Easter eggs. 1. Mysteries are always interesting.
Thanks, Topdown. I'm not sure Don wants us to throw spitballs at his movie, having said that, I think after the second time Mom brought lunch I would have ordered a beer and had her sign a few checks (for her own good).