Jokes 2

If you can keep your head while others around you are losing theirs, you may want to land your helicopter somewhere else.

 

Good one!

 

PONDERISMS

1- I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
2- There are two kinds of pedestrians . . .The quick and the dead.
3- Life is sexually transmitted.
4- Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
5- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
6- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
7- Have you noticed since everyone has a cell phone these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
8- Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
10- In the 60′s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
11- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
12- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out’? Hmmmmm, How about eggs ? . . .
13- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
14- Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
16- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
17- Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
18- Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

 

I'll never forget what my wife said to me the first time we made love.

"If you get any cum in my hair, it'll cost you another ten dollars."

 

Unfortunately our daughter was born retarded.

I think it must come from my sister's side of the family.

 

Told the hotel clerk i wanted the porn channel to be disabled in my room and he said 'no, regular porn is all we got'.

 

<a href="http://imgur.com/bgEtSGz"><img src="http://i.imgur.com/bgEtSGz.jpg" alt="" title="Hosted by imgur.com" /></a>

 

Don't put all my eggs in one basket?

Nice try, basket makers.

 

Bill Clinton was told "if you get that on my blue dress it will be an extra 15 bucks".

 

Walked up to the hotel desk clerk and my GF asked "Is the porn channel disabled?"

Clerk gave us a very strange look and said "No, it's regular porn. You sickos."