David Letterman's Top Ten Signs Santa Hates You 10. He eats milk and cookies -- and nails your wife 9. Every naughty thing you did this year was videotaped and posted on the Internet 8. On Christmas morning, your stocking stuffed with a severed leg 7. Only "gift" you received was left by Blitzen on your living room carpet 6. Instead of, "Ho, Ho, Ho," greets you with, "Nice sweater, fat ass" 5. Leaves mysterious letter, "I know when you are sleeping, I know how to kill a man without leaving any marks" 4. You get no presents -- when you bump into him later, he gives you lame, "I thought you were Jewish" excuse 3. Brings you one copy of every Kathie Lee CD 2. Turns his reindeer loose on you 1. Writes "Happy Holidays" in the snow on the roof
Here's an old one, but it's such a tear jerker. Some one sent it to me, and now, I share it with you........... Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He > decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Christmas is > coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses > while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gifts > he requests." > > Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for > Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When > I go downstairs, I want to see a fucking train going around the shitty tree. And > when I go outside I want to see a sweet ass bike leaning up against the goddamn > garage." > > Christmas morning, Little Johnny rolled over into a pile of dog shit. Confused, > he walked downstairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, > he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage. > > When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his Dad smiled > and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?" > > Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the motherfucker."
Signs Your Kids Don't Like Their Christmas Presents 10. There's something half-hearted about the way they say, "Oh wow -- Q- Tips". 9. They spend Christmas morning making up games involving wrapping paper. 8. They hire a Gambino family hit man to break Santa's kneecaps. 7. You see them trying to shove everything back up the chimney. 6. Spelled out in Legos on the front lawn are the words "You're Cheap!!!". 5. Moments after they unwrap gifts, you see them for sale on E-Bay. 4. Your son simply refuses to understand why you couldn't get him two hours alone with Cindy Crawford. 3. They cite your gifts as a major factor in their decision to convert to Islam. 2. You wake up and find the head of Elmo in your bed. 1. They ask, "Where'd you buy this stuff -- Crap `R' Us?"
You Might Be A Scrooge If...Part 2 * You turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carollers away. * You buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas. * Your favorite Christmas ornament depicts Santa Claus shooting a moon. * Your favorite Christmas movie is "Jurassic Park". * Your favorite version of "Babes in Toyland" stars Michael Jackson. * You get your Christmas Tree from a rest stop at night. * You think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line from a Rocky movie. * Your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log. * Your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, brandy, and bourbon. * You use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets. * Your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin. * Your favorite Christmas tradition involves a bonfire and reindeer meat.
Signs Your Spouse Is Cheating With Santa Instead of cookies and milk, she leaves out a fifth of Scotch and edible panties. Comes home with tinsel stuck between her teeth and Claus marks on her back. Of the 200 presents for her under the tree, you bought three of them. Never very adventuresome in bed, she suddenly asks if you want to do it "reindeer style." He comes in late, brushes his teeth furiously, uses floss and mouthwash for the first time in years, then says, "Well, it looks like I'm finally getting that train set this year!" Her picture is prominently featured on santasbitches.com. Every day after work, elves block you in traffic to keep you from getting home too early. She's shaved her pubic hair into the shape of a little chimney. Tells you that you would look a lot sexier if you grew a beard and added 150 pounds. Every December 24th it's the same routine: She puts on a teddy and sits on the roof.
I usually wrap up small squares of bubble wrap and tell the kids this is the only present they can touch before Christmas, they can never guess what it is and boy are they surprised to see it is actually just a small piece of bubblewrap. Great gift idea number 2 from Nutmegs gift guide. At Wall Marts in the office supply section they sell rolls of "admit one" tickets. I wrap these upp and tell them they can use them at the fair in the summer and ride for free without costing dad an arm and a leg. This is very exciting.
Once I wrapped up a wallet inside a hardroll with lettuce wrapped in cellophane. When she opened up the gift and saw the "sandwich", she threw it at me. I unwrapped the roll, pulled out the wallet, took out the money I put inside, and threw the wallet back. Duh!!!!
I aint got one atom of generoosity in my whole body ( quote from raft owner in Rooster Cockburn and it wasn't even Christmas )
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring."Yeah right!" she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a p iece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly. In the morning, the husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is v ery confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were . or what we did .. but, by God, we took first and second place."
I had an uncle who always complained that too many relatives and friends visited him at his store on Christmas eve, just to wish him Happy Holidays, while he was trying to take care of all the last minute customers on his busiest day of the year. The custom, of course, was that he would offer some sweets to each vsitor, as a treat for the auspicious day. He started serving balls of cork, specially dipped in chocolate on special order by his friendly baker. When that didn't totally eliminate the visitors, he switched to cloves of garlic, similarly dipped in chocolate with multicolor sugar sprinkled on. Understandably, this last trick worked fine, no more visitors, ever again.