I got a free wallet today, some free money, a free rolex watch. I can't believe it. It's been so cool. It's like this gun is magic.
Oldie but still goodie - According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally, the principal, Sister Maureen, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Maureen asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers...... And then there are educators!
Yesterday my daughter, again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club. She said, "Are you nuts? You're in your 70's and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to me, "Good grief Dad, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club." "I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her. She all but fainted.
I met this woman at a party, and she invited me back to her place. After a couple of drinks and some heavy duty necking she excused herself for 5 minutes, and returned wearing a massive strap-on. " Fuck that! " I yelled. " You never told me that you were a divorce lawyer."
The Homeless Man's Funeral Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. (Okay that chit outoftheway-) As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop and ask for any directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. Chit, I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. Why not? As I played Amazing Grace, one of the workers actually began to weep. After a short while, they wept and I started to weep too. So I finished up with one more and then I packed up my bagpipes and started for the car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years." Apparently I'm still lost... ...it's a guy thing.
Thought of this story today: The following is a true story. It amused the hell out of me while it was happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there" things. On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting mad at me. Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go." Server: "Is that it?" Me: "Yep." <P> Server: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?" Me: "No, it's "TO-GO" [I hate effort duplication] At this point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and . . . Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back." He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them: Server: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?" Manager: "No. A what?" Server: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me." Manager: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL." Server: "Yeah, thought so." He comes back to me and says: Server: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?" Me: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?" Server: "I don't know." Me: "See here where it says legal tender?" Server: "Yeah." Me: "So, shouldn't you take it?" Server: "Well, hang on a sec." He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift. Server: "He says I have to take it." Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?" Server: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change." Manager: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE." [My emphasis] Server: "What should I do?" Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money." Server: "I can't tell him that, you tell him." Manager: "Just tell him." Server: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back." The manager approaches me and says: Manager: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night." [It was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores.] Me: "Well, here's a two." Manager: "We don't take those either." Me: "Why the hell not?" Manager: "I think you know why." Me: "No really, tell me, why?" Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security." Me: "Excuse me?" Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security." Me: "What the hell for?" Manager: "Please, sir." Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them." Manager: "Would you please just leave?" Me: "No." Manager: "Fine, have it your way then." Me: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?" At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year old-ish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a whisper]: Security: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?" Manager: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money." Security: "Really? What?" Manager: "Get this, a two dollar bill." Security: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [Incredulous] Manager: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty." Security: "So, the fifty's fake?" Manager: "NO, the $2 is." Security: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?" Manager: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?" Security: "Yeah..." Security guard walks over to me and says: Security: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use." Me: "Uh, no." Security: "Lemme see 'em." Me: "Why?" Security: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?" At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to eat, so I said: Me: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill." I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says Security: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?" Manager: "It's fake." Security: "It doesn't look fake to me." Manager: "But it's a $2 bill." Security: "Yeah?" Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?" The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue. My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. At least you get free food.
Bud Light Tale <iframe width="640" height="360" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/ew9cEATPzDE?feature=player_detailpage" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
Good septic joke T, don't know what to say about the 2 dollar bill story. You have to laugh but it's so aggravating, on top of it all though, you got lucky with mall security, just think you could have got a mall cop who never seen a 2 dollar bill either and then you'd be f'd.
Just for clarification, that wasn't my story, but one that was on the web from way back. Didn't happen to me so I can't vouch for the authenticity.