Two career drunks were extremely thirsty one Saturday night and decided to go to the store to get some cheap booze. In the store, the first drunk says, "All right, I have 87 cents; how much do you have?" His friend replies, "I have a dollar. What can we get for $1.87?" The first spots a big Italian sausage on the rack for only $1.80 and has a great idea. "Hey, here's what we can do" he says. "We'll buy that sausage there and put it in my pants. We'll go into a bar and order drinks. After the drinks are gone, I'll pull out the sausage and you start sucking on it. They'll kick us out of the bar and we won't have to pay!" The second drunk agrees and they head off to the bar. They walk in and order two beers and drink them down. When the beer is gone,the first drunk whips the sausage out and the second starts sucking on it. "What the hell are you doing? Get out of my bar!" says the bartender, and the two run out laughing. "That was great, and it didn't cost us a cent" says the second drunk. "Let's do it again!" So off they run to another bar for a repeat performance. This continues through the night. At the end of the night, after about the 20th bar, the second drunk says "Man what a great night. All this drinking is making me hungry. Hey, pull out that sausage and let's eat it." "Sausage?" says the first. "I ate the sausage about eight bars ago!"
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his >>quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was >>feeling and the 80-year-old said, "Things are great >>and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old >>bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you >>think about that?" >> >>The doctor considered his question for a minute and >>then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, >>much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses >>a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In >>a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his >>walking cane instead of his gun." >> >>"As he neared a lake, he came a cross a very large >>male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized >>he' d left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot >>the creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed >>it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting >>rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots >>rang out and the beaver fell over dead. >> >>Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. >> >>The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody >>else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." >> >>The doctor replied, "My point exactly." >>
A guy walked into a bar and ordered two beers. After he paid for the beers he drank one and poured the other one all over his right hand. The bartender was curious to what he was doing so he asked him. "I'm trying to get my date drunk".
John and Lester are sitting on the porch having a few beers. John says," Well, I reckon Iâm going to go on holiday next month. But this time Iâm not going to take anyoneâs advice on where to go. A couple years back you told me to go to the Carribean, and Marie got pregnant. Last year you told me to go to Mexico, and Marie got pregnant. Now I canât have this goinâ on any more, so Iâm gonna do things a little different this year." "What are you gonna do different then ?" Lester asks. "Well, I figure this year Iâll take Marie with meâ¦.." John says.
It's a fat world, after all............ Disneyland announces plans to close the "It's a Small World" attraction to deepen its water channel after the ride's boats start getting stuck under loads of heavy passengers. Employees ask larger passengers to disembark - and compensate them with coupons for free food.
GENTLE THOUGHTS FOR OUR LIVES Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. A penny saved is a government oversight. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. He who hesitates is probably right. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL." If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?" Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
The Wise Machine While waiting at the airport to board his plane, Bill noticed a computer scale that would give your weight and a fortune. He dropped a quarter in the slot, and the computer screen displayed: âYou weigh 195 pounds, you are married and youâre on your way to San Diego.â Bill stood there dumbfounded. Another man put in a quarter and the computer read: âYou weigh 184 pounds, youâre divorced, and youâre on your way to Chicago.â Bill said to the man, âAre you divorced and on our way to Chicago?â âYes.â Replied the man. Bill was amazed. Then he rushed to the menâs room, changed his clothes and put on dark glasses. He waited for a few minutes to catch his breath, and then went back to the machine again. The computer screen read: âYou still weigh 195 pounds, youâre still married, and you just missed your plane to San Diego, you idiot!"
Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines 1. "I'm down here" 2. Just because I've got bells on my shoes, doesn't mean I'm a sissy. 3. I was once a lawn ornament for 'NSynch. Want to meet them? 4. I can get you off Santa's naughty list. 5. I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys. 6. I'm a magical being. Can I try to make your top and bra disappear? 7. No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler. 8. Get an eyedropper of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man. 9. You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig. 10. I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners!