One day a guy calls tech support. This is a little like how it went... Customer: hello? Technical Support: hello Customer: yeah, my cup holder broke and my computer is still under warranty, so I would like to get it replaced. Technical Support: ummm cup holder? Customer: yeah cup holder... Technical Support: ummm did you get it with a promotional offer? Customer: no Technical Support: umm are you sure you got the right company? Customer: yeah Technical Support: Ummm... i 'm sorry if I sound confused, because I am. Customer: well itâs square, and itâs on the front of the computer, and it comes out when you press a button...
One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered. He whispered back, " I found the remote."
While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?' To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.' 'What's your work ? ' I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?''Well,' she said, 'I start by nserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my > whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.' 'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked........... 'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'
How to Tell if You're a Grinch You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name. (5 points) You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply. (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out) You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer. (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points) You put out last year's stale candy canes for children. (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends. (5 points for each infraction). You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day. (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home. (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party) You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own [Southern California only, others ignore]. (5 points -- nobody but Angelenos are dumb enough to dress a car) After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year). Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no. (20 points) Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100. 20-30: You are just a cheeseball. 30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets. 50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.
THIS IS A COW JOKE ------------------------- The Vet ------------------------- The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200. They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side." The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."
Martha Stewart's Holiday To-Do List December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards. December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. December 3 Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener. December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. December 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself. December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration. December 7 Debug Windows '95 December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. December 11 Lay Faberge egg. December 12 Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble. December 13 Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts. December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house. December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at mall. December 17 Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire. December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat. December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture. December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks. December 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank. December 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas. December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are. December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri. December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum. December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God. December 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that ountry.
Holiday Musings? My Christmas Wish If I had 1 wish this Christmas 1. It would be for all the children of the world to join together in peace and love and sing in harmony. If I had 2 wishes this Christmas, it would be for 1. All the Children of the world to sing together 2. $1,000,000 tax free If I had 3 wishes this Christmas 1. Kids singing together 2. $1,000,000 tax free per year for life 3. To have all encompassing power over the universe If I had 4 wishes this Christmas 1. The crap about the kids 2. $1,000,000 3. All encompassing power 4. 1 extended orgasm to last 30 days, brought about by 2 super models and, of course, my spouse Let's face it, the logistics of getting all those kids together is impossible. So, let's rearrange 1. All encompassing power 2. The orgasm 3. The money OHHH!! I forgot to strike down my enemies. Okay, so we add that in. Now.. My wish this Christmas would be 1. The power 2. To strike down my enemies, may they die like pigs in hell 3. The orgasm 4. The Money 5. And with my fifth wish this holiday season I would like for all the children of the world to join together in peace and love and sing in harmony.
Confusing Santa 1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. 2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. 3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants. 4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly. 5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit! 6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say, "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa." 7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home. 8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the magician, clowns, and pony rides arrive. 9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off. 10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. " Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa." 11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime." 12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with lots of last-minute changes and corrections. 13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire. 14. Leave lots of hunting trophies out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" Then fire a pop gun. 15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house. 16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear. 17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill. 18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue. 19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. 20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
A woman starts dating a married doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks. "It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.". "What?" asks the priest, "what happened?". "You gave birth to a child!". "But that's impossible!" says the priest. "I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby." About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies, "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".