Jokes 2

It's Always The Wife Who's Upset

One day I accidentally overturned my golf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course we were living at in Sarasota, heard the noise and called out, “Are you okay, what's your name?"
"It’s Jack , and I’m OK thanks," I replied.
"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered,”but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted. She was very pretty and persuasive.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."
A couple hours later, after a few restorative glasses of french wine and some driving and putting lessons, I thanked my host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."
"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile, “She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the ^^%%$$## cart!" I said...

 

Good Old Laughs

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My friend recently committed suicide by leaving his car running in the garage.

Unfortunately it was an electric car, and it took him 9 days to dehydrate to death.

 

A man went into a library and asked to borrow a book on how to commit suicide. "No way," said the librarian, "you won't bring it back!"

 

A guy in my office used a pay phone in a gay bar.

Big mistake.

Now he has hearing aids.

 

A man who loses his bike outside his synagogue and goes to his rabbi for advice.

"Next week come to services, sit in the front row," the rabbi tells the man, "and when we recite the Ten Commandments, turn around and look at the people behind you.

When we get to 'Thou shalt not steal,' see who can't look you in the eyes. That's your guy."

After the next service, the rabbi is curious to learn whether his advice panned out.

"So, did it work?" he asks the man. "Like a charm," the man answers.

"The moment we got to 'Thou shalt not commit adultery,' I remembered where I left my bike."

 

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian recommends the Qur'an.

 

A woman walked into a library and asked for a book on euphemisms.

So the librarian took her up the rear aisle and let her have it.

 

Bill Clinton was named the “Father of the Year” by the National Father’s Day Council on Wednesday.

Now that his daughter is an adult. But when she was - well hell, you know where its going to go.