Jokes 2

Ok, my new years resolution.

Next year I'm going to try and stop doing penis jokes.

But it will be hard.

 

Did you hear about the 2 maggots that made love in dead Ernest?

 

When my wife tells me she loves me before we go to bed at night, I like to tell her that I love it when she says it in German.

She says, "Ok,..... Ich Liebe Dich.”

 

I'm going to get the word 'Standards' printed on my underpants.

Then I can raise them, or lower them, depending on the quality of the women I meet.

 

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

 

Let's forget business news until the New Year and does this look familiar ?

 

Just received my 17th Christmas card from the Alzheimers Society.

 

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, ‘I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.’
The second responds, ‘Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is always colour-coded.’
The third surgeon says, ‘No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.’
The fourth surgeon chimes in, ‘You know I like Builders. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.’
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, ‘You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts – the mouth and the a$$hole – and they are interchangeable’.

 

We had chinese take out last night.

My fortune cookie read:

'stop wanking in the toilets at work'

I'm telling you that place is cutting edge when it comes to advice in cookies.

 

I'm donating my body to science.

It's just taking up too much room in the refrigerator.