Some Old Fashioned Catholic Humor... There once was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me seven times.' The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.' Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?' Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church ... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.' Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?' Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic? Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?' 'It is!' 'This is the IRS. Can you help us?' 'I can!' 'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?' 'I do!' 'Is he a member of your congregation?' 'He is!' 'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?' 'Don't worry, he will!' An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.' Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' Man: 'What sins?' Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' Man: 'I'm Jewish.' Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?' Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!' An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. 'I'm 90 years old,' he says. '90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?' 'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?' Wife : 'Do you want dinner?' Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?' Wife : 'Yes or No.' A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!' A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket' ... The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework ... Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again. Wife replied ... 'Your horse phoned ...'
In a moment of loneliness and despair while staying away from home on a business trip, I got the Gideon's Bible out of the chest of drawers in my hotel room in search of comfort and solace. Instead I was dismayed to find that the pages were stuck together and defaced by huge quantities of dried semen. Fucking Bible bashers.... ------------------------------ eewwww..nutmeg, you're disgusting...:eek:
Just got a reject letter from my latest job interview. They said my urine analysis came back positive for everything but food and water.
One day Nutmeg and I were in the post office and we wandered by the wanted posters. We stopped and looked up at one particularly nasty looking guy. Underneath, the poster read "Wanted for rape, arson, embezzlement and extortion." I turned to Nutmeg and said "Man, they get all the good jobs!"
Nutmeg went to an Irish-themed pub last Saturday night, drank quite a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so he asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland ?" One of them snapped back saying, "It's WALES , you friggin' idiot!" So, he immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?" He woke up in the hospital...