My mom sat me down and said, "Son, I have something pretty important to tell you, you know your biology teacher..." I interrupted, "Yeah, you're fucking him." She asked, "How did you know?" "Because the sex education tape he uses has our living room in it."
I saw a homeless man sleeping inside a big cardboard box outside the train station this morning. Not wanting to disturb him, I crept over and put a Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box. He immediately woke up and said, "Thank you." "No problem." I smiled. He looked at me again and said, "It's empty." I said, "I know, it's meant to be a chimney."
I was waiting outside a toilet at a party. When after a long while the guy came out and said, "Jesus, I wouldn't go in there if I were you!" I said, "Why's that?" He said, "Er...because there's spiders all over the ceiling. Dumbass." I went in there and saw no spiders at all, it just smelled like shit.
I just caught something on the radio about Armstrong being stripped of his titles. So is he not the first man on the moon anymore?
I always feel like laughing,when I tell my wife that my favorite piece of equipment in the local gym is the exercise bike. No-one calls her that to her face,though.
I think my dog might be gay. There's porn on the TV 24/7 yet he'd rather sit and watch me masturbate.