I bought some new energy saving windows last year. The contractor called and said he hadn't been paid. I told him that he had told me a year ago that they would pay for themselves in a year. Silence on his end.
So my blond GF called me up. "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." I asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" GF said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." That sounded reasonably cool so I headed over to her place to help with the puzzle. She let me in and showed me where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. I studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." Then I took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice glass of wine, and then.....," I sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
Jerry Sandusky was sentenced to 30 years although he prefers to think of it as six five-year sentences.
Gary Busey puts on his pants like everyone else -- while screaming obscenities from the roof of a moving vehicle.
Overheard: "I'm not saying he's fat... All I'm saying is that if I were to list the 5 fattest people I know, he'd be 3 of them!!!"
Poster On A Telephone Pole: Note Below The Picture Of A Great Looking Puppy "Dog found... Now we're bros... Don't call, don't stop by... Don't make it weird!"