Jokes 2

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by gwb-trading, Apr 30, 2007.

  1. Yannis

    Yannis

    Interesting Things For Your Noggin

    If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on the right side of your mouth.

    If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on the left side of your mouth.

    To make half a kilo of honey, bees must collect nectar from over 2 million individual flowers

    Heroin is the brand name of morphine once marketed by 'Bayer'.

    Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult!

    People in nudist colonies play volleyball more than any other sport.

    Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he declined.

    Astronauts can't belch - there is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs.

    Ancient Roman, Chinese and German societies often used urine as mouthwash.

    The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. In the Renaissance era, it was fashion to shave them off!

    Because of the speed at which Earth moves around the Sun, it is impossible
    for a solar eclipse to last more than 7 minutes and 58 seconds.

    The night of January 20 is "Saint Agnes's Eve", which is regarded as a
    time when a young woman dreams of her future husband.

    Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros .

    It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears
    out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

    Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years .

    Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end .
    If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

    Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related diseases.

    Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals

    Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.

    The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost
    every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.

    Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent

    Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450?F

    The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the
    ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
    Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean

    The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man
    Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density
    The University of Alaska spans four time zones

    The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.

    In ancient Greece , tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage.
    Catching it meant she accepted.

    Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.

    Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

    A comet's tail always points away from the sun

    The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent

    Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.

    The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.

    If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.

    When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight
    In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed

    Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside

    Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams

    The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year

    The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust

    Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters

    Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy

    Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could
    set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down

    Everything weighs one percent less at the equator

    For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off

    The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

    :) :) :)
     
    #10871     Aug 27, 2012
  2. fhl

    fhl

    We should all paws and give thanks that there aren't any lions running around here, like in London.

    People are safe. That's the mane thing.

    A good collection of lion jokes is something to take pride in.
     
    #10872     Aug 27, 2012
  3. Yannis

    Yannis

    Unfunny Lion Jokes

    What's the difference between a tiger and a lion?
    A tiger has the mane part missing!

    What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food?
    'Let us prey.'

    What happened when the lion ate the comedian?
    He felt funny!

    How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?
    'Pleased to eat you.'!

    On which day do lions eat people?
    Chewsday!

    :) :) :)
     
    #10873     Aug 27, 2012
  4. Yannis

    Yannis

    Learn Something Every Day

    More than half of the coastline of the entire United States is in Alaska.

    The Amazon rain forest produces more than 20%of the world's oxygen supply. The Amazon River pushes so much water into the Atlantic Ocean that, more than one hundred miles at sea off the mouth of the river, one can dip fresh water out of the ocean. The volume of water in the Amazon river is greater than the next eight largest rivers in the world combined and three times the flow of all rivers in the United States.

    Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country... Ninety percent of the world's ice covers Antarctica. This ice also represents seventy percent of all the fresh water in the world. As strange as it sounds, however, Antarctica is essentially a desert; the average yearly total precipitation is about two inches. Although covered with ice (all but 0.4% of it, ice.), Antarctica is the driest place on the planet,
    with an absolute humidity lower than the Gobi desert.

    Brazil got its name from the nut, not the other way around.

    Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined. Canada is an
    Indian word meaning ' Big Village '.

    Next to Warsaw, Chicago has the largest Polish population in the world.

    Woodward Avenue in Detroit, Michigan, carries the designation M-1, so named because it was the first paved road anywhere.

    Damascus, Syria, was flourishing a couple of thousand years before Rome was founded in 753 BC, making it the oldest continuously inhabited city in existence.

    Istanbul, Turkey, is the only city in the world located on two continents.

    Los Angeles' full name is: El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula -- and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: L.A.

    The term 'The Big Apple' was coined by touring jazz musicians of the 1930s who used the slang expression 'apple' for any town or city. Therefore, to play New York City is to play the big time - The Big Apple. There are more Irish in New York City than in Dublin, Ireland; more Italians in New York City than in Rome, Italy; and more Jews in New York City than in Tel Aviv, Israel.

    There are no natural lakes in the state of Ohio, every one is man-made.

    The smallest island with country status is Pitcairn in Polynesia, at just 1.75 sq. miles/4,53 sq. km.

    The first city to reach a population of 1 million people was Rome, Italy in 133 B.C. There is a city called Rome on every continent. The name is the ancient greek word for "strength".

    Siberia contains more than 25% of the world's forests.

    In the Sahara Desert, there is a town named Tidikelt, Algeria , which did not receive a drop of rain for ten years. Technically though, the driest place on Earth is in the valleys of the Antarctic near Ross Island. There has been no rainfall there for two million years.

    Spain literally means 'the land of rabbits'.

    St. Paul, Minnesota, was originally called Pig's Eye after a man named Pierre 'Pig's Eye' Parrant who set up the first business there.

    Chances that a road is unpaved: in the U.S.A. . = 1%; in Canada ....75%

    The deepest hole ever drilled by man is the Kola Superdeep Borehole, in Russia It reached a depth of 12,261 meters (about 40,226 feet or 7.62 miles). It was drilled for scientific research and gave up some unexpected discoveries, one of which was a huge deposit of hydrogen - so massive that the mud coming from the hole was boiling with it.

    The Eisenhower interstate system in the US requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

    The water of Angel Falls (the world's highest) in Venezuela drops 3,212 feet (979 meters). They are 15 times higher than Niagara Falls.

    :cool: :cool: :cool:
     
    #10874     Aug 28, 2012
  5. fhl

    fhl

    fhl: Col. Nathan R Jessup, how do you trade? And I want the truth!


    Col. Jessup: You can’t handle the truth! We live in a world that has markets. And these markets have to be traded by men with balls. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Bernie Madoff?

    I have a greater skill than you can possibly fathom. You weep for ‘buy and hold’ and you curse the algos. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that buy and hold’s death, while tragic, probably saved E-Trade. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to value investors, makes money.

    You don’t want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me in the market. You need me in the market.

    We use words like put, call, short…we use these words as the backbone to a life spent making money. You use ‘em as an adjective. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to someone who invests the very money I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it!

    I’d rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you open an account and short Facebook. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think it is I do!
     
    #10875     Aug 29, 2012
  6. Yannis

    Yannis

    Lt. Daniel Kaffee: I want you to know that I think the whole f***ing bunch of you are certifiably insane. This "code of honor in trading" of yours makes me want to beat the shit out of somebody... (beats him on the head with his baseball bat)... I've been short FB since the gave me shares to short, you idiot, made $60K already, even told Lt. Cmdr. Joanne Galloway to do it :D
     
    #10876     Aug 29, 2012
  7. The wife told me to go out and get some of those pills that will help me get an erection.

    You should have seen her face when I came back and gave her some diet pills.
     
    #10877     Aug 29, 2012
  8. fhl

    fhl

    Watch it, girls.

    Those fat guys want to get into your pantries.
     
    #10878     Aug 29, 2012
  9. A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

    So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

    She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

    "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

    "Morris Feinberg," he replied.

    "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

    "For about 60 years."

    "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

    "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

    "I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

    "I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

    "I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

    The Journalist then asked: "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

    "Like I'm talking to a fucking wall....."
     
    #10879     Sep 3, 2012
  10. Yannis

    Yannis

    Journey To Mars

    <iframe width="640" height="360" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/XRCIzZHpFtY?feature=player_embedded" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

    :cool: :cool: :cool:
     
    #10880     Sep 4, 2012