IT'S SO TRUE Now that I'm older, (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered: 1. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it. 2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran. 3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart. 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 6. If all is not lost, where is it? 7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. 9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few. 10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids. 12. itâs hard to make a comeback when you really haven't been anywhere. 13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom. 14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees. 15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess? 16. Itâs not hard to meet expenses . . .they're everywhere. 17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter. 19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 20. I'm unable to remember whether i've posted this before.........
10 Brainteasers to Test Your Mental Sharpness To test your mental acuity, answer the following questions (no peeking at the answers!): 1. Johnnyâs mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third childâs name? 2. A clerk at a butcher shop stands five feet ten inches tall and wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh? 3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world? 4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet? 5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly? 6. Billie was born on December 28th, yet her birthday always falls in the summer. How is this possible? 7. In British Columbia you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not? 8. If you were running a race and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now? 9. Which is correct to say, âThe yolk of the egg is whiteâ or âThe yolk of the egg are white?â 10. A farmer has five haystacks in one field and four haystacks in another. How many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in one field? --------------------------- --------------------------------------------- Answers: 1. Johnny. 2. Meat. 3. Mt. Everest. It just wasnât discovered yet. 4. There is no dirt in a hole. 5. Incorrectly (except when it is spelled incorrecktly). 6. Billie lives in the southern hemisphere. 7. You canât take a picture with a wooden leg. You need a camera (or iPad or cell phone) to take a picture. 8. You would be in 2nd place. You passed the person in second place, not first. 9. Neither. Egg yolks are yellow. 10. One. If he combines all his haystacks, they all become one big stack.
Love Those Lawyers! A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates, but there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, Sir, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, you know, we do respect old age around here. Therefore, I'm full of admiration of the fact that, if one adds up all the hours for which you billed your clients, you must be about 1,193 years old!"
Remember Mary Poppins - I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith... - What's the name of his other leg?