Jokes 2

A Man's Age, as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --.
Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever.
You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint.
You have your old work clothes on.
You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex.
Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair.
Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands.
Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car.
Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.
Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too.
Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot.
Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.
Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden?
Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

 

Good Old Politics

Those votes have been counted incorrectly. I will seek retallyation.

Most members of the local government are navy men. They congregate at town ship meetings.

I propose to put an end to war though a series of high profile, diplomatic luncheons. I don't think that they need to happen simultaneously, though. We'd be better off if they occurred peace meal.

The Civil Rights demonstrators boycotted McDonalds as a protest to their disenfranchisement.

Tom Daschle and George Bush approved the building of a navy bipartisanship.

Presidential debates are commonly violent and full of Gore.

Why would the vote count if only part of the chad is dislodged? I thought that we were supposed to count punch wholes.

The Presidential limo veered into on-coming traffic after skidding through a pile of rock salt. Following the lethal crash, the Vice President was exsalted.

 

More Puns Anyone?

•I would like to go to Holland someday. Wooden shoe?

•"There was a man who entered a pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did." (Brian Becker et al., A Prairie Home Companion Pretty Good Joke Book, 3rd ed. HighBridge, 2003)

•"When it rains, it pours." (slogan of Morton Salt since 1911)

•"When it pours, it reigns." (slogan of Michelin tires)

•"What food these morsels be!" (slogan of Heinz pickles, 1938)

•"American Home has an edifice complex." (slogan of American Home magazine)

•"Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight" (Dylan Thomas, "Do not go gentle into that good night")

•"Look deep into our ryes." (slogan of Wigler's Bakery)

•"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted." (Fred Allen)

•"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana." (Groucho Marx)

•"Punning Punning is an art of harmonious jingling upon words, which, passing in at the ears, and falling upon the diaphragm, excites a titillary motion in those parts; and this, being conveyed by the animal spirits into the muscles of the face, raises the cockles of the heart." (Jonathan Swift, "The Physical Definition of Punning According to Cardan")

•"A pun is not bound by the laws which limit nicer wit. It is a pistol let off at the ear; not a feather to tickle the intellect." (Charles Lamb, "That the Worst Puns are the Best")

•A boy answers the phone. The caller asks, "Where are your parents?"
"They ain't here!"
"Come on, son. Where's your grammar?"
"My gramma ain't here neither. She's gone to church!"

•"People who make puns are like wanton boys that put coppers on the railroad tracks. They amuse themselves and other children, but their little trick may upset a freight train of conversation for the sake of a battered witticism." (Oliver Wendell Holmes, The Autocrat the Breakfast-Table, 1858)

•Sookie Stackhouse: So I've been listening in on people's thoughts, hoping I might hear something to clear him and apparently there's this vampire bar where Maudette and Dawn used to hang out at in Shreeveport. You know it?
Bill Compton: Fangtasia.
Sookie Stackhouse: Fang-tasia?
Bill Compton: You have to remember that most vampires are very old. Puns used to be the highest form of humor. (Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer in "Escape from Dragon House." True Blood, 2008)

•"All obscene puns have the same underlying construction in that they consist of two elements. The first element sets the stage for the pun by offering seemingly harmless material, such as the title of a book, The Tiger's Revenge. But the second element either is obscene in itself or renders the first element obscene as in the name of the author of The Tiger's Revenge--Claude Bawls." (Peter Farb, Word Play, 1974)

•"Forgetting what we know can often be hard. Entirely apart from the intrinsic challenge of willfully forgetting or ignoring what we think we know, the insights we gain from that can also be unsettling, or destabilizing. Puns, by revealing the inherent instability of language, work in much the same way. In one sense they are a tacit acknowledgment of rules, because you have to know a rule if you're going to cleverly break it. But at the same time, by scrambling the relationship between sound, symbol and meaning, puns reveal that the words we use to define the world around us are ultimately just arbitrary signs." (John Pollack, The Pun Also Rises. Gotham Books, 2011)

•"To pun is to treat homonyms as synonyms." (Walter Redfern, Puns, 1974)

 

Chinese Olympic Hurdles Secret Technique for Gold

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BhPt27X3Xk

 

I got a rim job off a girl last night and I actually really liked it.

I must say my bike wheels have never looked so shiny

 

.... re FB

"I wonder how long will it take for Morgan Stanley to realize its the only one trading the stock...."

 

I traded 500 shares of FB the first day of trading and made ~$612. Did the same the second day for ~$11, after which I quit. Too bad you can't short the darn thing

 

Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ? where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeeeeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeeeeze a jolly good fellow."

Then, they kick him in the ice hole...


You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

 

The penguin is mightier than the swordguin.