I got this back for the golf story. It's sooooooooo Nutmeg: I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny? Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF! He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?" And that's when the fight started
Nut.. Sounds like you got a good one. I thought it stood for: Whining, Irritating, Freeloading, Expense
A couple have turned the lights off and are in bed on their wedding night. 'Ughhh!' says the husband. 'your clitoris tastes like shit.' "No it doesn't,' says the young bride. 'You're licking my piles.'
Are Chimps Smarter Than Humans? I think I've seen this before, but can't remember where... http://www.bbc.co.uk/mediaselector/...tm&news=1&nbwm=1&bbram=1&nbram=1&bbwm=1&asb=1
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
I can't remember the comedians name, bald guy, energetic, did a good 'heart' routine. Seeing the thread today about pricks reminds me of one of his jokes. I was at the dentist today and just before he was going to give me a shot of Novocaine he said "You will feel a little prick in your mouth" and of course he said "I better not"
My Mother is the Queen of Bullshit, God bless her, but she comes up with the most arcane unconnected stories of anybody I've ever met. She blurts out one day, "my cousin Katy was at the dentist, and she swallowed his tool." I said, "hope she at least got a free cleaning."
A new mother went to the psychiatrist worried. "Doctor," she said, "Since I had the baby I can't sleep at night. When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I do?" "Easy," said the doctor. "Just take the carpet off the floor."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?"