Jokes 2

Yahoo News: "U.S. sets goal to tame Alzheimers"

I bet everyone forgets about this in a week.

 

BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT!
by Maxine

1. My husband and I divorced over religion differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23.They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs . . . a day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on...

 

Golden Oldie: Marriage

1) When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her... Sacha Guitry
2) After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together... Hemant Joshi
3) By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher... Socrates
4) Women inspire us to great things, and then prevent us from achieving them... Dumas
5) The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? Sigmund Freud
6) I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me... Anonymous
7) "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Henny Youngman
8) "I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." Sam Kinison
9) "There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." James Holt McGavran
10) "I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't." Patrick Murray
11) Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming: 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up... Nash
12) The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... Anonymous
13) You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to... Henny Youngman
14) My wife and I were happy for twenty years.. Then we met... Rodney Dangerfield
15) A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong... Milton Berle
16) Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy... Anonymous
17) A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." Anonymous
18) First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

 

Wrt Wasting Time

http://iwastesomuchtime.com/on/?i=36632

 

There are two rules for success in trading.

1.) Don't tell everything you know.

 

That's pretty funny.

 

Dear Potential Investor:

For years, you’ve wasted your time on Facebook. Now here’s your chance to waste your money on it, too.

Tomorrow is Facebook’s IPO, and I know what some of you are thinking. How will Facebook be any different from the dot-com bubble of the early 2000’s?

For one thing, those bad dot-com stocks were all speculation and hype, and weren’t based on real businesses. Facebook, on the other hand, is based on a solid foundation of angry birds and imaginary sheep.

Second, Facebook is the most successful social network in the world, enabling millions to share information of no interest with people they barely know.

Third, every time someone clicks on a Facebook ad, Facebook makes money. And while no one has ever done this on purpose, millions have done it by mistake while drunk. We totally stole this idea from iTunes.

Finally, if you invest in Facebook, you’ll be far from alone. As a result of using Facebook for the past few years, over 900 million people in the world have suffered mild to moderate brain damage, impairing their ability to make reasoned judgments. These will be your fellow Facebook investors.

With your help, if all goes as planned tomorrow, Facebook’s IPO will net $100 billion. To put that number in context, it would take JP Morgan four or five trades to lose that much money.

One last thing: what will, I, Mark Zuckerberg, do with the $18 billion I’m expected to earn from Facebook’s IPO? Well, I’m considering buying Greece, but that would still leave me with $18 billion. LOL.

Friend me,

Mark

http://www.borowitzreport.com/2012/05/17/a-letter-from-mark-zuckerberg/

 

Didn't make it to the gym today.

That's five years in a row now...

 

"See those two girls at the bar?" I said to my girlfriend. "One of them called you fat."

"What?!" she exclaimed

"I read her lips. Then I saw her point, and they laughed."

"Right!" she said, standing up. "I'm not having that. Here, hold my pies."

 

I suffered with a lazy eye as a child.

Unfortunately it's spread to the rest of my body.