20 Rules of Life Updated 1.I can only please one person each day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. 2.Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. 3.Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue. 4.You can go anywhere you want if you look serious, wear a white coat and carry a clipboard. 5.I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. 6.Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling? 7.Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again. 8.I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem. My reality check bounced. 9.On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. 10.I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier. 11.Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 12.Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience. 13.A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt. 14.After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. 15.Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. 16.People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 17.If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. 18.When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. 19.When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" 20.We will continue to have meetings until we figure out why nothing is being accomplished.
Hillbilly Mirror After living in the remote wilderness of West Virginia all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, 'How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy.' He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with.
Do you have an apple that taste like pussy? "mmnnnnnn..." "Hey, that taste like Granny Smith" You've been punked....................
Delta buys oil refinery. In other news.. (not to be outdone) Now that it costs $100 to check a suitcase, American airlines buys Samsonite. Jet Blue buys patent on Prozac. Punjab Airways buys 7-11.
I got to thinking about the drama going on with JPM, then I got to thinking about the movie "Pulp Fiction". Ball gags are pretty neat. In my version, they both get "taken" by "The Gimp".
Samosonite changes their suitcases sizes to be just large enough that they can't fit in the overhead bin. American Airlines declares bankruptcy... again.
While talking to his friend a man confessed, I can't keep this to myself any longer. I have been having sex with my girlfriend and her twin. Sweet, replied the friend. How do you tell them apart? The man replied, her brother has a mustache.