Must Read for Every Man and of course Woman (to understand man) If a female is reading this article then just realize the value of a man; and if its a male then feel proud after reading it! "One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy. Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Liz Taylor "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.. "Yes," cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Liz , You would have come up with Pamela Anderson . Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Liz ." The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it! - WE ARE HONORABLE MEN!!!!!!
I can still remember the day my Grandfather said to me "You know how you've always liked my antique gold watch?" "Yes, of course." I answered with great anticipation. He answered "Well, it came off in your Grandma's cunt. Fish it out and it's yours."
Gynecologist's Assistant A unemployed man went into the Job Center in London, And saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the Clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist". You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is £35,000, and you'll have to go to Birmingham." "Good grief...Is that where the job is?" "No Sir"..... "That's the end of the queue ."
I remember the lectures dad used to give me: "Do you know how much all this costs?" he used to shout. "You'll know when you have a mortgage, bills and food to buy!" But then I grew up a bit and learned to speak his own language .. "Of course I don't know how much!" I replied one day. "I'm only fucking three years old."
I thought my 82-year-old Grandma was really old-fashioned when she said she was 'going to powder her nose' when she went to the toilet. It turns out she's got a massive cocaine habit.
Give a man a pair of Nike's and he'll run fast for a day. Teach a man how to make a pair of Nike's and he'll live on $1.60 a day.
"Honey, I heard that they tried to take an X-ray picture of your jaw, but all they got was a moving picture."
My wife walked out on me today. On the plus side, it was better than the day she walked in on me.... and the hoover.
I like to call my wife "Hoover". Not because she's great at sucking. It's because I use her to scare the dog.