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I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
My girlfriend asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I said, "Anal sex." "Don't be silly, I mean something I can buy you." "Ok" I responded, "anal sex with a prostitute."
Got a text from my friend earlier, it read: "Hey mate, I've found a local prostitute who charges by the inch. I can't afford her, but I thought it would be a cheap night out for you." What a putz. I've forwarded that text to his wife.
How To Drive In Jersey Seriously, there are only two things needed to drive effectively in NJ: A horn and a middle finger. Everything else is superfluous, including knowing where you are going. For those of you who live in Jersey or have lived there, these things may come as no surprise. For those who haven't traveled there before, Beware, Be Prepared and Be Afraid,,,, Be Very Afraid. 1. You must first learn to pronounce the cities' name correctly: it is Nork - rhymes with Fork, not New-ark. Also, Trenton is not pronounced Tren-ton, it is Trent-in. 2. The morning rush hour is from 5 AM to NOON. The evening rush hour is from NOON to 7 PM. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning. 3. The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is 85 mph. On the parkway it's 105 or 110. Anything less is considered "Sissy.." (Just ask Jon Corzine, the former Governor of NJ) 4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second; However, in Monmouth and Burlington counties, SUV-driving, cellphone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way. 5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. 6. Never honk at anyone. EVER ! Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot. 7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of Jersey ... Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting. 8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer and other road kill, and the homeless feeding on any of these items. 9. MapQuest does NOT work here - none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all the Turnpike EZ Pass lanes are moved each night once again to make your ride more exciting. 10. If someone actually has their Turn Signal ON, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated." 11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot. 12. Do not try to estimate travel time - just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday appointments, and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.