The doctor said to my wife, "Push Mrs Nutmeg, push. I can see the head now." They really need to make those MRI scan machines bigger for fat people.
The wife just came in with a lovely sandwich and a beer for me, I said to her, "Thanks, you're a Saint." She said, "Which one, Genevieve?" I said, "No! Bernard!"
My wife said to me, "My body is a temple." I replied, "Well it's certainly as big as one and I usually say a prayer when I enter it."
I was at the bar the other night when a fat chick walked over to me and gave me a drink. "I saw this is what you were drinking last weekend, are you impressed?" she said to me. "Not really" I replied. " Everybody knows elephants never forget".
From a company newsletter: Dear Sir, I would like to complain about the recent advert placed in the Manchester Evening News for a Technical Support Engineer. While most of the advert was OK I must object strongly to the line "Please reply with your CV and also state your weight in kilograms". Our personnel manager replies: The position was also advertised internally and this version contained no reference to weight at all. While we have no intrinsic objection to obese people there are certain safety considerations to be taken into account. Most overweight people are prone to wind and this could prove a serious fire hazard if inadvertently ignited. Fat people can block fire exits and cause panic if they accidentally sit on someone. Fat people are often late for work because they cannot run fast enough to catch the bus. Technical Support is very overcrowded and there literally is no room for an excessively large person. We can actually fit two or even three people into the same space taken by a fat bastard. Comments TSG manager: I have no objection to fat people. I once had an affair with a very, very fat girl. She sat on my water bed and it burst. We went for a bath together and I couldn't fit in, neither could the water. We took a ride on the bus and I had to pay for three seats. Our favourite game was hide the fifty pence piece. She would hide this in a fold of fat and I had to find it, I lost three quid one night. Her bra was a bugger to get off, it had six clips and we used to keep potatoes in it. We drifted apart and she went off with a guy from Lytham St Annes who had a metal detector, I think he's got my three quid.
A friend sent me this once and I thought it was hilarious DEMENTIA QUIZ FIRST QUESTION: YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN? ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ ANSWER : IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST, THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE! TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME. NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION, BUT DON'T TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION, OK? SECOND QUESTION: IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE....? (SCROLL DOWN) ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU ARE..... WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON?? YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU? THIRD QUESTION: VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE: THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY. DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR. TRY IT. TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30. ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20 .. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 10. WHAT IS THE TOTAL? SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER..... ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ DID YOU GET 5000? THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100... IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR! TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT? MAYBE YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT.... MAYBE... FOURTH QUESTION: MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS: 1. NANA, 2. NENE, 3. NINI, 4.. NONO, AND ??? 2 WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER? ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T. HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN! OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND, I.E., A FINAL CHANCE TO REDEEM YOURSELF: A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH. BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE. NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS? ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT... DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK?? IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST!