I went into the local pharmacy yesterday to buy some condoms, "Would you like a bag?" he asked. "No thank you", I replied "I just won't look down.".
REDNECK LENT Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic...and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic." Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until the first Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The neighbors called the Priest immediately, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish! Oh, yeah..."
Siamese Twins Siamese twins walk into a bar in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; as you can see, we're joined side by side at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please." The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, boys"? "Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees. "Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..." "Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude." "So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender. "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive!"
In The Cockpit The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like the Chinese..' 'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?' 'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!' 'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.' 'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike!' There's a few minutes of silence. 'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces. 'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain. 'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot. 'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!' Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ...no mattah... all same!
Check Your Mailbox! Just wanted to let you know - today I received my 2012 Social Security Stimulus Package. It contained two tomato seeds, cornbread mix, a prayer rug, a machine to blow smoke up my butt, 10 discount coupons to KFC and Ben&Gerry's, and, of course, two "Obama Hope & Change" bumper stickers. The directions were in Spanish. Si. Hope you get yours soon!
Porn prepares for the apocalypse A pornography studio by the name of Pink Visual is beginning groundwork on an underground bunker that will insure that, come the 2012 apocalypse, whoever is left standing will still be safe from the aftermath of riots, looting, fires and zombies. And, of course, that the rest of the surviving world will still able to get their porno. So, I find this funny story after I searched and read about the "Invisible Children" Far-right Republican Christian Masturbator. Really funny shit. Gotta hand it to the Republicans, they now how to paaarrtaaaay.
What did the German kid say when he pushed his brother off the side of a cliff? Look, mother, no Hans!
What will be bankrupt by 2042? Social Secuirty The morals of America's youth Your children Saudi Royal family My girlfriends vagina -------------- Why should the elderly not fear the Social Security? Already close to death Survived the depression Elderly like to gamble Nobody calls them anymore ------------------------- If Social Security were a train leaving New York at 9:05 a.m., due to arrive in Philadelphia at 11:45 a.m., how far would it be able to travel before it ran out of power? 3.14 miles 50 miles 100 miles What's a mile? ( My school discontinued its math program) -------------------- What will happen if Social Security is left alone? Great topic to start new threads on ET Madoff will try harder next time Soup lines Nothing ------------------ Why should we reform Social Security? To promote our ownership society Grandma and grandpa are living longer Fewer people paying in (jobs gone overseas) Day trading is fun
What's In A Name - What's your first name, Sir? - P-p-p-p-p-p-Paul. - Oh, I didn't realize you are a stutterer... - I'm not! My father stuttered and the County Records Clerk was an idiot!!!