You sound like a regular, run-of-the-mill, shut up and give me your money to give to my friends, tax-slave... just like me and a few others around here
Word up/ Tomorrow, General Motors will announce a new car: the Chevrolet Fish-Tank. It will run on Algae. There will be a tax rebate of $25,000 per car.
I find it difficult advising my kids on the mistakes I made when I was younger. Especially when they are my biggest.
I noticed a blind guy walk up to one of the shelves at Wall Mart, pick up a can, shake it, and then spray it under his left arm. He sniffed. Then he picked up another can and gave it a good squirt under his right armpit. Again he sniffed. As he sprayed a third can across his chest, I asked, "Can I help you?" "Er, have you got any deodorant that doesn't smell like paint?" he said.
I was enjoying a drink in the pub last night when this fat girl came over to me and said, "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" "Yeah," I said," That's why I don't go there anymore."
Susan Boyle walks into a Library and asks for a book on Birth Control. The Librarian says: Back off, you'll never need it!
Unsolved problems in mathematics Billy is a kid in grade eight who had a homework assignment to hand in to his teacher today and he didn't finish it. There is a whole sheet of unsolved math problems that were left blank because he wanted to play FIFA on his PS/3 with his buddies and watch Avatar on Blu-Ray for the rest of the evening. Billy is a lazy bum who text messages his friends while in math class and frequently asks to "go to the bathroom" (he has no medical problems). He is mathematically illiterate due to a litany of his own avoidance behaviour. Sucks to be Billy.
The Pearl Necklace Gift A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed, that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means"? "I promise, that you will know tonight, my love" he said. That evening, the man came home a little late from work with a small package and gave it to his eager wife with a smile. She was brimming with anticipation as she unwrapped the thoughtful gift. After removing the rose colored gift wrap she discovered a book entitled.... "The meaning of dreams"!!!