I might have to wait ten years to use, "as dangerous as a Russian toy", and I might change "russian" to "chinese", but I will be ready.
Frank Sinatra -- Strangers in the Night. _______________________________ Strangers on my flight, turbans they're packin'. Wonderin' if they might, plan a hijacking. They could pull a stunt, before this flight is through. Something's on their minds. I saw them mutter. What that in their hands? Looks like box cutters, I'm gonna kick some ass, if they make a move. Strangers on my flight. Two smelly people, and they're not talking right; and in a moment, I will grab a baseball bat; and that will be that. Swing like Joe DiMaggio, and rip them both a new a-hole. And if they pick a fight, and try to screw us, I'll punch out their lights, just like Joe Louis. It would feel so right, for strangers on my flight. Ratta Tat Tat Tat, Budda Bing Bang Boom, Zooma Zooma Zoom. Send those bastards to the moon....
Beth and her friends are out clubbing one Friday night when she meets a handsome guy by the bar. They talk, connect, and end up leaving together. When they get back to his place, he shows her around his apartment. One odd thing she notices is that an entire wall of his bedroom is devoted to a collection of stuffed toys arranged on shelves. The bottom shelf contains lots of small stuffed animals. The next shelf up contains slightly larger ones, and so on, all the way up to the top shelf, which contains gigantic teddy bears. Beth is a little surprised that a man would have such a sizable collection of stuffed animals but she decides not to be judgemental. In reality, she is actually impressed that he is willing to show his sensitive side to someone he just met. One thing leads to another and before long they are making love. The next morning, after a night of intense passion, she wakes up next to him. As she notices him waking up also, she rolls over and asks, smiling, "was it good for you, too?" The man shrugs and tells her she can have any prize she likes from the bottom shelf.
I Knew This One With Men/Golf; Here It Is With Women/Tennis... Still Funny Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing tennis all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's tennis there." Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Rose passed on. At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb." "Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Barb -- it's me, Rose." "You' re not Rose. Rose just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice. "Rose! Where are you?" "In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," said Barb. "The good news," Rose said, "is that there's tennis in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play tennis all we want, and we never get tired." "That's fantastic," said Barb. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the little bad news?" "You're playing Tuesday!"
I love how jokes evolve, are told differently, etc. I heard this at least thirty years ago, but it was picking up a carney worker, and going back to her trailer. After the act, the guy says, "how was it"?. She then says, "take something off the bottom shelf."
Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous. At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet... "Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!"
I would have said the same thing. I mean, c'mon what's up with people? What is he anyways, some kind of clapper? Clap on clap off, people dying and shit.