Jokes 2

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, “Give me six double vodka.”
The barman says, “Wow! you must have had very bad day.”
“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said, “What the hell? Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”

“Yes, my wife…”

 

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Prosecuting attorneys in Chicago have a tough job.

One of them asked a kid 'were you shot in the fracas'?

The kid said 'no, i was shot between my chest and my belly button'.

 

My wife says that I need to stop worryin about all the small things in life.

That's easy for her to say, she doesn't have a two inch penis.

 

I think I may have misunderstood my boss when she told me that she loves seeing me hard at work.

 

They have to decide which bribe to accept and the various party's fire-power. I mean how many bullets can you duck ?

 

Switzerland has been lobbying for a year to get the investigations dropped in return for the payment of a hefty fine and the transfer of names of thousands of U.S. bank clients suspected of dodging taxes.

Widmer-Schlumpf, who held talks in Davos this week with U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner,

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So f'n funny. "Uhmnnn. Timmay, can we come to an agreement about dodging taxes"

TG 'Try this.. (hands over software)

 

The Stock Report

Helium was up. Feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued a slow decline. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. Balloon prices were inflated. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

 

Year 2011 Statistics

On Airport pat-down screening from the San Francisco (SFO) airport Transportation Security Administration office:

· Transvestites 1,332
· Hernias 1,485
· Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
· Incontinence 6,418
· Enlarged Prostates 8,249
· Breast Implants 59,350
· Natural Blondes 3
· Terrorist Plots Discovered 0