"Welcome to our newest member, uurqjiyckhv" Our kids are going to have a heck of a time trying to find a user name. All the good ones are gone.
Then there was this man from the Czech Republic who went to the opthalmologist, where, he was asked to sit on the chair and look at the usual screen (with the CZSTZVKTKGZSJ... characters) in front of him. "Can you see this?" said the doctor. "See this?" responded the patient... "Doc, I know this guy!"
A guy walks into the optometrist carrying a violin case. He takes a seat and waits until he is called into a room. After waiting for several minutes he gets called in. "Sir, what's the problem?" "Well," he begins, as he opens up the violin case to reveal a shit the size of the case. The optometrist interrupts, "what the fuck mate? That is disgusting. I'm an optometrist, you need to go see a doctor about that!" The guy then replies, "yeah, but, every time I do one of these, my eyes water."
I took my 12-year-old son camping for the weekend. As we sat around the fire he said, "Dad, I need to take a shit." "Go and have one then," I said. "That's the beauty of camping, you can shit anywhere you want and you can't get into trouble." He walked off and came back a few minutes later. "Where did you go?" I asked. He said, "In the car."
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Two sisters, one blond and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving for a neighboring ranch, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette takes all the money they had ($600), gets to the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch and I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds that it will cost 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'" The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable'?" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul'."
Save Our Country! <object style="height: 390px; width: 640px"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/KV-RqPtT2PU?version=3&feature=player_embedded"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/KV-RqPtT2PU?version=3&feature=player_embedded" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" width="640" height="360"></object>
It's a matter of history: the English forced this expression on Americans back in the Spring of 1777 to punish us for the Revolution