I got home last night and thought I'd try it on with the babysitter like they do in porn films. Old Mrs Jones was having none of it.
I wet to a fortune teller, to see what's up in the new year. "You will meet a woman called Claire." "You said that to the last guy. And the five before him." "Well, yeah. I'm clairevoyant."
My wife asked me for a hand with the shopping today, so I took the 6 pack of Budweiser out of the top bag and drank all 6 of them in front of her. My daughter says I need to learn respect for people with only one arm, but I'm a putz and set in my ways.
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Just a reminder, today is the last day that the Post Office can ensure the delivery of christmas cards by December25th..
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Good Old Zen Teachings, Still Good For 2012! 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone... 2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any. 3. No one is listening until you fart. 4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments. 7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 8.. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it. 11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 12. Some days you are the dog; other days you are the hydrant. 13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. 14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment. 15. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works. 17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass- then things just keep getting worse... 20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Free Bus Trip To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs. Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home. I started to feel sad when I thought of you. Then it dawned on me ... oh, heck ! ... I'll see you on the bus !!